August 02, 2008

forgot to mention

forgot to mention something else major in the last post... i am now almost bald. i cut off 41 inches of hair and donated it to Locks of Love, the place that makes wigs for kids with cancer. maybe one day i'll post pics. not now, dont ask - CORY AND SEAN.

Posted by sin at 04:21 PM | Comments (0)

its been awhile

Yeah, I’m looking and I see my last post here was in February. Guess things have finally caught up to me and its time to make a post. So much has changed in the last few months; I don’t know where to begin.

I guess the most important thing (to me) right now is that last night the news reported information on the plane crash that killed my dad and four others almost a year ago. It’ll be a year on Tuesday. I can’t believe he's been gone that long and it still rips me up every single day that he isn’t here. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get past that, and this news was a devastating blow to me. I can’t imagine how the others feel... my friend Kelly called me last night while I was on my way home from a work trip out of town and my grandmas (I hadn’t been to my house yet and had stopped at the cave to hang out awhile). Kelly was watching the local/Albuquerque news last night and they reported that the plane crash was essentially the pilot's fault. They said that the national transportation safety bureau (NTSB) had found that Ricky had taken an antihistamine that day and it MAY have made him drowsy, thus causing the crash. full story is located here. id like everyone to know that in my heart Ricky was NEVER at fault and never will be, as far as me and MY family are concerned. We don’t even believe the crash was an accident, and instead believe that it was an act of divine intervention. Obviously, my dad, Deanna, Ricky, and the smith family were needed more somewhere else, instead of here, with us. And when I say MY family, I refer to my mom, my sister - stink, my grandma - the bat, and myself. There are others who don’t see it the way we do, of that I am quite sure. They are NOT my family, and I could give a shit what they think. My dad, Deanna, and Ricky died trying to save a child’s life; they died doing good, and that’s good enough for me.

Recently, my sister and I decided that in honor of our dad, we'll be making regular food donations to the local Humane Society and Animal Control. Dad didn't just save humans, he saved pets too. We thought "what better way to honor Dad than to start a 'legacy'" of sorts. If we had the money, we'd be doing more, but this is what we can do now, and it makes us feel good knowing that we're making a difference too. We've lost four pets since we lost Dad and we know in our hearts that Dad's taking care of them, wherever they are.

And in other news, I have quit my last job and now have another. I am now the proud owner of the title "New Mexico Department of Health Long Term Services/Developmental Disabilities Supports Division Southeast Regional Office Training Coordinator". Quite a mouthful, right? Thankfully, it can be shortened to "SERO Trainer", lol. I started there on June 30th. I consider myself very lucky. Both my bosses (one in our office and one in Las Cruces) are absolutely awesome to work for. All my co-workers and the others from the statewide training unit are great. It’s nice to work for a place that feels like family and know you have the support of everyone you work with. So far, I'm loving this job. Mostly, it's been paperwork and getting a feel for all my job responsibilities, because I'm not certified to train all the courses yet. Essentially, I'll be training people to do the jobs I used to do - the case management and services coordinator type stuff, and eventually some of the direct care stuff as well.

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST!! I'll *finally* be having my hysterectomy on Tuesday, to get rid of all the cancer and stuff. The chemo was pretty much a failure and things got a lot worse than I expected. I finished my last treatment the day after I came home from the MVP thing in Seattle. I was told that we'd set up a 4-6 MONTH timeline for the surgery at my one month chemo follow-up appointment (which was scheduled for early June). At the June appointment, I was told things didn't look so good and that it was being changed from 4-6 months to 4-6 WEEKS. The first surgery was scheduled for July15th, but I'd just started a new job so it got put off until August 5th. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing. At first, I was a little uncomfortable with it, but then thought to myself "What better way to do this, than to do it now and say 'Hey, Dad! Look! I'm finally getting it taken care of!'" I'll probably be making a place on the forums for Gimpi to keep people updated on how things are going. I'll be in the hospital 3-4 days and on bed rest for two weeks, at the least.

Anyway, I think that's enough catch-up for now. Hopefully, I'll find the time to keep things updated here instead of posting twice a year. :)


Posted by sin at 03:39 PM | Comments (0)

February 17, 2008

Our Deepest Fear - stolen from somewhere

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

--in a movie i cannot remember the name of, this quote was attributed to W. E. B. DuBois... i find on the web, it was by a woman named Marianne Williamson. regardless of who this original thought belongs to, it is worth pondering, sharing, remembering. so, here's to all of you, give everything you can, even if you think there's nothing left. someday, somebody may surprise you, and point out the best things youve missed about yourself for way too long.

Posted by sin at 06:52 PM | Comments (1)

January 02, 2008


for those who do not visit the naughtycloset forums, i am reposting my latest 'news' topic here in the blog:

over the past few years, the naughtycloset family has pulled together when one of us is in need. its usually in the form of emotional support, but more than once, its pulling together to assist someone financially. we have, in the past, donated money to people at the drop of a hat, no questions asked. we just do it. thats the way we are.

closetmonsters are a different breed of people. if you're one of us, then you know how true that is. if you arent, maybe one day you will understand, but i doubt it.

previously, someone's distress was discussed privately, through an email, or by text message. sometimes, its even a phone call. someone who just needs to vent, to get things off their chest. most of the time, those are aimed toward me. then ive quietly approached gimpi, therock, or cyberdad. we'd discuss privately, gather donations in secret, and then make a semi-anonymous donation to the friend in need. i recently realized that there's a better way... that way takes too long, for me, at least. so i started questioning our methods and thought of a different option.

hence my newest idea.... i'll call it "feet". you'll soon understand why.

after discussing with several people who have contributed previously, and a couple who said 'i would have, had i known you guys were taking donations.' we have implemented a different way to accept donations. the contributers have given it their blessing, and we'll move forward now to how this will work.

last night, i set up an email address feet @ and a corresponding paypal account with the same address. this is in hopes that over time, those who have given previously, and those who would like to do so in the future, can send money at any time, day or night, throughout the year. a couple dollars here and there adds up over time, and means a lot to the person who needs it. sometimes, that little bit is all they have.

people who find themselves in need can request funds from the feet account. i'll discuss it with the other contributors and we'll take a vote. provided the person has good reasoning (and generally we know the person's situation anyway, since we support emotionally as well) and that there is enough funds in the account, we will send a donation to the person.

we hope to help people get back on their feet as soon as possible.

if you'd like to contribute, please donate to feet @ and help others 'get back on their feet'.


-note- since the forums post that was made less than ten hours ago, we have already received donations to the 'feet' account. isnt that great?!

Posted by sin at 09:44 PM | Comments (0)

January 01, 2008

The Old/New Year

im sure many people are spending last night and now today reflecting on the year just past and their hopes for the year to come. this very minute, bloggers all over the world are filling their cyberhomes with posts about the past present and future... hopes and dreams, tragedies and woes. wishing for things that might have been and might well be... so like 'everyone else' i'll do the same. 2007 was not a good year for me. i dont have many of those anyway. yeah, i know, im young. i have my whole life ahead of me, but unlike most people my age, my lifespan wont be nearly as long as theirs. cancer, illness, bad luck... have all followed me for quite awhile. and will continue to do so in the future. so, without further adieu, i'll share my story.

i turned 25 in 2007. i had an 'ok' job working at a 'trendy' jewelry store. i didnt really care for my coworkers, though i grew to be rather close with a couple of them. through that job, i met my friend erika, who has become one of the most awesome people ive ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. id consider her my best friend (and yes, its ok to have more than one 'best' friend... i have several.) i got a promotion in that job. and while it had shit for pay there were really good benefits. i also met mara from carlsbad, though over time we grew apart. i thought once that i could trust her. now im pretty sure i was wrong. its quite possible (later in 2007) that mara had something to do with me losing that job. today i sit here and say "im glad i did". not many people get happy about being fired, but this loss opened up a much better employment opportunity to me.

i met new people, forgot most of them. could really give a crap. i nearly lost a good friend due to my brutal honesty. and his inability to be my friend when i needed him the most. im glad cory doesnt hate me anymore. (and yeah, G, admit it, you DID hate me for awhile.) and i am so glad you and gnimsh came down for spring break. that was a blast and we should do it again sometime.

our sibling-site 247fixes and our very own therock247uk received the microsoft mvp award for windows security. we have plans to fly out for the big hoopla in april. hold on to your hats guys, therock is comin to america! (and we're all scared.)

i got closer with my sister and my mom. unfortunately, that also changed. i havent seen my sister in over a week now. appears shes too good to hang out with her family. and she cant be bothered to answer our calls. that makes me sad. mom and i have become better friends. i can attribute that mostly to the loss of my dad. we needed someone to lean on, and we both found each other.

and as i mentioned above, i lost my dad this year. he was a flight nurse who died in the line of duty. i honestly cannot relate how much that hurts. how i wish things had been different and i know i cant go back and change them. if i had it to do all over again, i would... but it still wouldnt have prepared me for the heartache and misery i feel every day. theres nothing like waking up every morning feeling lost and dealing with the emotional upheaval every time someone mentions his name. or driving into the parking lot of work every morning and staring at the place my dad was working when the plane went down (my new office building is almost right next door to the roswell southwest medevac base.) i look over at their plane (a new one) nearly every day. and when i see it take off, i say a prayer that my friends there will make it back home safely. im pretty close with a couple of people that still work there. who knew and loved my dad probably as much as i did.

and then i got sick again. found that out two days before the crash. never got a chance to tell dad. still trying not to admit that its back and feels a bit worse than it did before. maybe some slight part of that is because of the emotional issues surrounding his death. the day my doctor released me to go back to work from bereavement leave, they fired me. whoop-ti-fucking-do. two days later i already had another job (which i absolutely love). a couple months later i found out my liver was failing. spent a week on my deathbed before they figured out that it was tylenol poisoning from the pain medication i was taking for the cancer stuff. (it was a pill with 10mg of hydrocodone to 650mg of acetaminophen - i was taking six pills a day minimum... when you stop to think about it, taking 5000mg of tylenol a day is not healthy for ANYBODY. this went on for nearly 3.5 years before we figured this out.) because of the long term poisoning, i will probably never recover full use of my liver. "at best" i have 50-70% normal liver function now. lovely thought, isnt it?

so the year in review was bad and good. im thankful for my family and for my 'real life' friends like erika, monica, kelly and jody, eli, chris, priscilla... a few others. and for my closet friends (you guys know how much i love yall, but im not gonna sit here and list all thirty-seven thousand of you).

and now my hopes for 2008...
i hope nobody dies. :) that's all.
(ok, there's one person id like to see dead, but its not nice to name names. :P)

Posted by sin at 04:15 PM | Comments (1)

November 30, 2007


i got a text message from one of my coworkers, a 'forward', which i normally hate, but i thought this would be a good one. for me, it came at one of those 'right time right place' situations. it was something that made me feel better, something i needed to hear. it was worth passing on:

Never say you’re happy when you’re sad.
Never say you’re ok when you’re not.
Never say you’re alone while I’m alive.

Posted by sin at 10:47 PM | Comments (0)

November 26, 2007


i wonder what people are thinking when they decide they're going to disappear off the face of the earth for awhile and then change their minds and try to waltz back into someone else's life... i've never understood that, and i probably never will. you cant just leave, vanish even, and then all of a sudden show back up expecting everything to be the same. it isn't, especially if you did something to hurt someone else, intentional or not. if anyone knows a 'good' explanation for this phenomenon, i'd be happy to hear it.

Posted by sin at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2007

thanksgiving day

Thanksgiving Day.

So, uh, I probably have a lot to be thankful for, but to be honest… I really don’t care. I don’t get the fact that we have to have a national holiday set aside to be “thankful”. Shouldn’t we ALWAYS be thankful? Honestly again, none of us (in general) actually stop every day and thank |insert random deity here| for everything good in their lives. I don’t know anyone who does that. Maybe that’s why we have to make it a national holiday? Pretty sad. So…

I guess I could write a list of what I’m thankful for. I’m glad I have a family to share the holidays with, even if they drive me crazy. I’m thankful that I have good friends to come save me from my family. I have enough – food clothes and shelter. I even have a lot of “nice” things. I have a good/decent job. So many people don’t have what I have and I feel sorry for them. For some, its for reasons beyond their control. For others its simply because they don’t work for it. Nothing in life comes free. Everything has its price. So, now, I ask you. What are YOU willing to pay?

Posted by sin at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)

November 19, 2007

what the fuck was i thinking?

what the fuck was i thinking?! i'll tell you what i was thinking. i was thinking that you were my friend. i was wrong. i hate admitting that i'm wrong, but i'll do it if i am. so here i go: I WAS WRONG. YOU are an ASSHOLE. not only do *i* think you're an asshole, so does my shrink. so what does that make you? it makes you a fucking prick AND an asshole. i hope you're happy.

Posted by sin at 07:12 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2007

happy birthday, dad

Happy Birthday, Dad!

I love you and I miss you so much.

God, how I wish you were here.

Posted by sin at 08:38 PM | Comments (0)