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July 27, 2006

days seem longer, but there's very few left.

my morning started out with me showing up to the office (on time for once) after stopping by a client's house to do a quick visit. my supervisor proceeded to tell me that im not to make any more trips to carlsbad, "no more carlsbad trips. youve been going there way too much as it is." so i tell her "thats fine. i finished all my transitions yesterday." and then... i start transitioning my clients. two case managers from the other agency were working together to grill me about my people. one is a former classmate/friend of my mother's. the other is brand new, and has never worked with the DD population before. i wasnt impressed. dont get me wrong, she wasnt a bad person, it just pisses me off that they'd rather hire someone who has absolutely NO experience, than me, who has a fairly decent amount of experience. so we run through one client after another... from 815am until 1215pm. they went to lunch real quick, i went into my office. i found my personnel file sitting on my desk right next to my purse. i know it wasnt there before. i ignored it. drove to sonic real quick and got a coke, checked the mail and went back to the office (about a 10 block trip all the way around.) i went back to the office and the person babysitting us from DOH asked me for a file because we'd gotten denied on it and she was offering to respond to the denial. nice of her. it took me forever to find the paperwork she was looking for, because someone conveniently put it in the wrong area (and no, it wasnt me.) ive been out of the office so much, and people have been going through it while im gone that it was a disaster, even worse than it was before i was out so much.
while im in there looking for the paperwork, the supervisor (same one as before) comes in and says, 'i just got off the phone with barbara (our owner). she said for me to start cutting people on july 31. those who have the most to get done and are the furthest behind will get cut first because they're non productive. i just wanted to let you know.' and then she stared at all the stacks of paperwork and files. and then this, "just reminding you, no more trips to carlsbad. and also (artesia) called and complained about you. said that you were 'hijacking' the meetings and using them to talk about yourself." so i told her: 'good. im done there anyway. thats funny, i havent been to artesia in over a week, and just finished all my transitions for them this morning. i havent held any meetings there. its probably carlsbad thats complaining and thats total bullshit because the casemanager from the other company ran the meetings. i just answered questions.'
and then i told her thats it was fine about leaving 'early'. that i already thought july 31 was our last day anyway. it doesnt hurt my feelings any if im let go because i was already expecting us to be closed by then. i then told her the reasons why im so far behind: i have more people than everyone else does and that my caseload is spread out more than anyone elses is. that ive been doing everyone elses work and every time i get caught up, they change my caseload, so im never caught up.
of course this is a 'blessing in disguise'. im sick of working with those people anyway. she told me they're keeping the D&E side open until the 31st of august because they cant transition people until then. i know monica's leaving on monday. im pretty sure becky is too. im betting ill be let go as well. that means that all the 'non liked' people will be gone and they can have the office all to themselves. good for them. i intended (if we were really closing in august) to get all my files and things cleaned up and transitioned nicely. good luck to those left behind cleaning up the messes that were dumped on me. i like the supervisor ok, but i wont stand for anyone's bullshit. ive taken 11 months too much of it already as it is.
looks like i only have two days left. thats too damn bad. most of my clients ill have contact with anyway, whether others like it or not. the guardians like me, the clients like me, and the providers like me.
and also, to top it off, instead of going to take the bat to get her cateract surgery tomorrow morning, im going to be in the office instead. grandma's pissed at me. i got home and she yelled at me about how i lied to her and that i was irresponsible, and that i was lazy. then, whenever i tried to talk to her she kept turning up the volume on the tv. i gave up. she didnt talk to me the rest of the evening.
and when i got home, i went to put the dogs inside, got them in, went out to the car to get some more stuff id packed up from my office, and bobo got loose. damn dog. i ended up walking around in the fucking rain looking for the little fucker for almost half an hour. i liked to have beaten him senseless, but i knew if i smacked him i might take it too far because im losing it. probably ive already lost it. maybe i never even had it. anyway, i got some good exercise, but its not like i really wanted to or anything. i lost 8 pounds this week. probably thats from not eating/not being able to hold down food. *shrug*.

July 25, 2006

interview anxiety + stuff...

**my interview is tomorrow. im sitting here at the pc tonight feeling nervous and having a bit of anxiety over it. im not even sure i -want- this job. when i called the interviewer this afternoon, she sounded like she was leaning more and more towards me being in an actual office. are they in for a surprise tomorrow... i already told two people that i wanted to work from home and that was a condition of my employment. today, the lady kept talking about me only having 3-4 other people in the office with me. perhaps she's forgetting that its ~160 miles/day JUST to go to work, not counting going out to see clients. if they -really- want me, then theyre going to have to either cave and let me work at home, or pay me really really well.
**i dont even know what i want to do anymore. im confused. i hate being confused. i want so many things, and yet dont even know where to start. i want to go back to school and get my masters. i want to do case managment. i want to be with my clients. i want to go back to teaching (except in college)...
**today i spent most of the day in a training ill probably never use. it was a training for my current job, which is about to disappear. seemed like a waste of time to me, but who knows, maybe i'll get a job somewhere where i can use it. *shrug*
**i dont even know for sure what's making me feel sick. it could be a lot of things. i know im nervous as hell though, but i dont know why...

July 24, 2006

the day from hell

i had a hell of a day.

i bought a computer yesterday. got three emails from dell:
1: your order has been received.
2: your oder has been confirmed.
3: your bank has blocked this purchase, please call your bank.

so anyway, i was in artesia on my way to carlsbad today, and i stopped by the atm, got $40 out, it gave me the money, gave me the receipt, and then ate my card. so i called the bank. of course when i called the artesia branch (the one i was at), they took the information (purchase, card eating atm) and said they'd call me back. they didnt. so i called the roswell branch. i cant get it back until friday, but they did clear my purchase. they thought my card had been stolen. the account has a $1000 limit on online purchases. everything above that needs approval first, or they block it.

and then.. i transitioned about half my people in carlsbad. it was really sad, and i looked really stupid because i didnt have the files with me (we were told we couldnt take the files). and the other case manager was upset because we didnt have all the information, not that i could help it.

so i came home, fixed the problem with dell, and then went back out to midway to do a visit at 5 and one at 6. it made me sad, i felt like i was saying 'the last goodbye'. one of the guardians, of a client ive had for almost a year, sat and cried with me. she seemed just as upset as i was. she even hugged me for awhile. its hard saying goodbye. just because im sorry (that im leaving) doesnt mean i havent enjoyed these people all this time...

July 23, 2006

new computer

Dimension E510
Pentium® D Processor 940 with Dual Core Technology (3.2GHz, 800FSB), Genuine Windows® XP

Catalog Number: 23 R4611A1
Module Description Show Details

*Dell Dimension E510 Series Pentium® D Processor 940 with Dual Core Technology (3.2GHz, 800FSB)
*Operating System Genuine Windows® XP Professional
*Memory 1GB Dual Channel DDR2 SDRAM at 533MHz (2x512M)
*Keyboard Dell USB Keyboard
*Monitor No Monitor
*Video Card 256MB PCI Express™ x16 (DVI/VGA/TV-out) ATI Radeon X600 SE HyperMemory
*Hard Drive 250GB Serial ATA 3Gb/s Hard Drive (7200RPM) w/ 8MB cache
*Floppy Drive and Media Reader No Floppy Drive Included
*Mouse Dell® 2-button USB mouse
*Network Card Integrated Intel® PRO 10/100 Ethernet
*Modem 56K PCI Data Fax Modem
*Adobe Software Adobe® Acrobat® Reader 6.0
*CD ROM/DVD ROM Single Drive: 48x CD-RW / DVD-ROM Combo Drive
*Sound Integrated Sound Blaster®Audigy™ HD Software Edition
*Speakers Dell A525 30 Watt 2.1 Stereo Speakers with Subwoofer
*Office Software (not included in Windows XP) Microsoft Office Basic - Includes Word, Excel and Outlook email
*Anti-Virus/Security Suite (Pre-installed) No Security Subscription
*Limited Warranty, Services and Support Options 1Yr Ltd Warranty, 1Yr At-Home Service, and 1Yr HW Warranty Support
*Future Operating Systems Windows Vista™ Capable
*Operating System Re-Installation CD Genuine Windows® XP Professional re-installation CD
*Dell Digital Entertainment Starter Entertainment Pack -Basic digital Music, Photo, and Casual Gaming

July 22, 2006

song i was listening to this afternoon

Fall Out Boy - XO

I comb the crowd and pick you out
My mouth moves too fast for you to figure it out
It starts eyes closed to fingers crossed
"To I swear, I say"
"To I swear, I say"

To hands between legs, to "whatever it takes"
To drinks at the club to the bar
To the keys to your car
To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door

To the love, I left my conscience pressed
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer
"What did it ever do for me" I say (I say, I say, I say)
It never calls me when I'm down
Love never wanted me
But I took it anyway
Put your ear to the speaker
And choose love or sympathy
But never both
Love never wanted me

"I hoped you choked
And crashed your car"
Hey "tear catcher", that's all that you are
And ever were
From the start
I swear, I say
I swear, I say

To hands between legs, to "whatever it takes"
To drinks at the club to the bar
To the keys to your car
To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door

To the love, I left my conscience pressed
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer
"What did it ever do for me" I say
It never calls me when I'm down
Love never wanted me
But I took it anyway
Put your ear to the speaker
And choose love or sympathy
But never both, no

To the love I left my conscience pressed
Through the keyhole I watched you dress
Kiss and tell
(Loose lips sink ships)

To the love I left my conscience pressed
Through the keyholes I watched you dress
Kiss and tell
(Loose lips sink ships)

To the love I left my conscience pressed [x3]
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer
"What did it ever do for me" I say

July 21, 2006

today sucked

today, i was actually in the office. while i was there, i talked to flea. she told me that DoHwill be sending someone to let us in in the mornings and to escort us out at night. they changed the locks on our office. no more working late, no more coming in on weekends. i guess theyre afraid we're going to steal stuff. this was a directive from the head of DDSD/DoH. another directive, and this one royally pisses me off:
at our transition meetings, we dont have to invite the client, nor do we have to invite the guardian. it will basically be old case manager to new case manager. just crossover. this sucks.
but also:
for july, we are not to do any filing, put in mail, put in casenotes (exceptfor visits). every piece of mail we get automatically goes in the to be filed folder for the client it belongs to. our 'last day' is july 31, but we will still be transitionig people. we dont even have to come into the office unless the meeting is there. no notes, no other meetings, no packets, no visits. this certainly cuts down my workload, but its still really fucked up though. makes me wonder just what exactly is going on here.

so anyway, im also pretty depressed. i packed and moved most of my personal belongings today. i cried. packing made it feel so much more... real. i guess ive been living in a constant state of disbelief. i still cant believe this is happening.

July 20, 2006

chocolate and my life.

the lyrics to this song are very meaningful to me right now...

Artist: Snow Patrol
Song: Chocolate Lyrics

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home
--ive felt pretty dead lately. see recent blog posts. the providers ive worked with for the past 11 months *do* feel like home. im comfortable with them. im going to miss my clients very badly. we've been through some great times and some really hard times as well. i couldnt be more proud of them, but sometimes i feel like i didnt make a difference at all.

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25
--yeah, sometimes i hate my name. i also feel like im starting all over again what with all the changes in my life recently. and also, im not 25 for another 6 months.

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time
--it does feel like the final straw, the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. i am sorry. im very sorry. its not my choice to abandon my people, but i enjoyed it while it lasted.

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer
--i dont think i need to explain this. you guys are smart enough to get the point. but on another note and completely different subject, i feel like this about my job too, my clients. its been my entire life for almost a year now. but now my judgement is so clouded, i cant even think straight.

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words
--its true, i did see this all coming. i knew my company was closing back in december, but i didnt think it would happen this soon. otherwise, this could apply to something else, perhaps even a couple years in the making. im being cryptic here.

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time
--its too late to do anything about it. i cant stop it from happening. perhaps mistakes were made on my part. maybe i shouldnt be so attached. id do anything to keep my clients but there is no 'this time'.

July 19, 2006


sin-- on thursday, on my way to artesia, i got pulled over
sin-- i was doing 84 in a 65.
sin-- the sheriff wanted to know why i was going so fast, so i explained my job (jobless) situation to him
sin-- he felt real bad for me and let me off.
sin-- so today....
sin-- i got pulled over by a different sheriff, except it was just outside carlsbad
sin-- (artesia and carlsbad are in the same county)
sin-- actually, this time it was a state trooper, not a sheriff.
sin-- anyway, the guy today told me 'we've been told to keep a lookout for you, and not to cite you unless youre doing over 80mph'
sin-- and i asked why
therock247uk-- !
sin-- and he told me that word got around about what my company was doing to me, apparently theres a lot of cops with people who are served by the providers i work with (ie, carc in carlsbad and the door in artesia)
sin-- and he said that they all felt sorry for me.
sin-- and since im a 'distinctive' looking person, and there arent that many white ford escapes that travel that highway, and that none of them even have a similar looking license plate, they know its me.
porta_gimp-- hehe
porta_gimp-- for once, i know the story before everyone else!
sin-- LOL
therock247uk-- lol
sin-- only because i dont have anyone elses phone numbers
porta_gimp-- and, tell them the good news
therock247uk-- that was nice of them
sin-- and yours was one of the first on the list

sin-- which good news?
porta_gimp-- sick leave
sin-- OH! yeah... :P
porta_gimp-- :-p
sin-- probably for the next 6 weeks ill be taking at least one day off each week
sin-- because they wont pay out my sickleave
sin-- but they will pay my annual leave (vacation)
sin-- so, by fucking god, im gonna use that sickleave up.
sin-- bastards.
therock247uk-- LOL

porta_gimp-- how did that pill help you sleep last night?
sin-- omfg
sin-- youll love this G
sin-- becky gave me these pills to help me sleep
[19:31] sin-- theyre 150mg
[19:32] sin-- you can break them into two 25mg's and two 50mg's
[19:32] sin-- or into two 75's
[19:32] sin-- or take the whole 150
[19:32] sin-- she suggested that i take a 50 or 75 first
[19:32] sin-- and then go from there
[19:32] sin-- so of course, i didnt listen
[19:32] porta_gimp-- of course
[19:32] sin-- i took the whole 150 all at once
[19:32] porta_gimp-- heh.
[19:32] sin-- when i was in the bath
[19:33] sin-- that was about 1045 or so
[19:33] sin-- i get out at 11
[19:33] sin-- at 1115 i was in bed, drowsy
[19:33] sin-- by 1130, i was twitching and hearing voices
[19:33] porta_gimp-- oh god
[19:33] sin-- i had to get up and make sure there wasnt people in my house
[19:33] therock247uk-- wow...
[19:33] sin-- im all sitting there freaking out
[19:34] sin-- it was great
[19:34] SubWolf-- !
[19:34] porta_gimp-- ha
[19:34] therock247uk-- !
[19:34] sin-- but i swear, it sounded like there were people fucking in my living room
[19:34] therock247uk-- o_O
[19:34] therock247uk-- ghosts?
[19:34] sin-- and then i was twitching like i was having a seizure
[19:35] therock247uk-- your house is haunted :O
[19:35] therock247uk-- LOL
[19:35] sin-- it was one of the neatest 'trips' ive had in a long time... since i took that herbal extacy 5 years ago.
[19:35] porta_gimp-- heh
[19:36] therock247uk-- did you actually sleep in the end then? or was you up all nite?
[19:36] sin-- i slept from 1130 until almost 10 this morning
[19:36] porta_gimp-- nice.
[19:36] therock247uk-- good
[19:36] porta_gimp-- and a good trip.
[19:36] porta_gimp-- get more pills!
[19:36] sin-- ok, more like 1145
[19:36] * porta_gimp coughs
[19:36] sin-- i have more pills
[19:36] porta_gimp-- heh.
[19:36] sin-- i have three more
[19:37] porta_gimp-- cut 'em this time
[19:37] sin-- and she said shed give me more if i needed them.
[19:37] porta_gimp-- you sure the pills were what she said they were?
[19:44] sin-- yes
[19:44] sin-- they were labeled
[19:44] sin-- and i saw the bottle they came in
[19:45] sin-- and ive seen them before.
[19:45] porta_gimp-- k

July 17, 2006

the callback

Nic... this is (the person who interviewed me) from (the company thats taking away all my clients). i just wanted to call and let you know that we've already filled the positions with other applicants. thanks. bye.

that was left on my answering machine at 230 today when she knew damn well that i wouldnt be home. also, i specifically asked her to call my cell phone. i see she took the chickenshit way out. she couldnt even tell me to my face, or talk to me directly. leaving a message is so lame. a little birdie told me that they didnt hire me because i have a 'bad reputation'. so to speak. apparently they were told that im really great at advocating for the clients (duh! thats my job!) but that im a 'bulldozer". whatever the fuck that means. i guess getting shit done is frowned upon in this industry.

they didnt hire monica either. because of her step-dad. apparently he used to work for that company and they had a falling out. but monica got a job today anyway, with another one of the providers.

it gets better... that company that i didnt get hired at, hired one of my coworkers... one who has only 5 months experience and doesnt even have all her trainings yet. i have a year of experience, all my trainings, and ive worked for the providers. i have a great working relationship with a lot of the agencies ive worked with over the past year. it pisses me the hell off that this company didnt even bother to check my references. they're not hiring me based on rumors and other menial bullshit i guess.

they'll be sorry. its expensive to train all those people they hired instead of hiring me. they'll get what they asked for. i dont think they know whats coming to them. heh. i cant wait for this to flop.

July 14, 2006

devastation, depression, and shock

this morning i decided i was going to be late. on purpose. i got to the office about 9am. i went in, sat around and did nothing for about two hours, did a couple of packets, faxed one to blue cross and mailed the other (it was too big to fax). then i looked at the third file i wanted to get done today. i got a call from esperanza, and was invited to the 'july birthday' (they do a party every month for their clients and staff that have a birthday that month). so monica and i went at noon, we left at 330 and went back to the office. i had a great time, visited with almost all my clients from there, talked to some of the guardians. when i got back to the office, there was a note for me on the board "Nic, FOC in your box." (an FOC is a 'freedom of choice' letter to change agencies for a particular service, this one being case management.) i was expecting FOC's so we can transition clients to the new agency, they were mailed out yesterday. i didnt expect it to be so soon. i looked in my box, and it was for the client i least wanted to transition. ive worked so hard with him, and his life has made a 100% turnaround. im so proud of him. hes like a brother to me. we have similar backgrounds in life. similar shortcomings, similar difficulties. im five months older than him to the day. i took it to monica and showed her who it was for, and then i burst into tears. im absolutely devastated. i cant begin to describe my sadness. this is so depressing. its absolutely awful. this is the last thing i wanted to face, but here it is, staring at me. it wont go away. i cant remember the last time i was so sad. i immediately went and hid in my office, in the dark, and cried for almost an hour. im literally sick over this. i havent slept but a few hours for the past week and a half. i feel like i just cant take it anymore. this was all such a shock. i mean, ive been hearing things from what i consider a trusted source, for six months now... i just didnt expect it to be so soon.

July 13, 2006

interviews and other news

**i had an interview with the new agency today, the one that will be taking over all of the clients my company serves. i really like a couple of people who work there. i dont mind working for them, but thats really not what i want to do. ive been told that if im hired, i can keep most of my caseload. thats a good sign at least. unfortunately, my caseload is so high, im in violation of state regulations. we're not supposed to have more than 30 clients. i have 32, and have since march. five of them are jackson's (lawsuit members, from when the state institutions were shut down due to abuse, and worse things). im only supposed to have 3. anyway, mostly the interview consisted of talking about my clients. not really about me. i told the interviewer that i wanted a second, more formal, interview. what the hell, i dont even think they're going to hire me anyway, but at least i tried. right now im feeling kind of hopeless, despite the fact that ive been offered jobs at several agencies ive come in contact with over the last 10.5 months. ill do what i have to, to get whats best for my clients and maintain the most consistency i possibly can. theres only so much i can do, and it just doesnt feel like its enough. it never feels like its enough, it never will.
**on a slightly lighter note, i talked to one of my friends who works in the field in the north part of the state. he's going to see what he can do to get another provider to come down here so the clients at least have a choice. all they would have to do is revise their state contract. any new agency, expidited, would take at least 3 months to go through the application process in order to be approved, and thats only if everything goes smoothly. *sigh*

July 12, 2006

on a lighter note

i have an interview with the ONE remaining case management agency tomorrow at 2. DOH arranged it for me, they're sitting in on the interviews so there wont be any 'shady' deals made. do i want to work for them? not particularly, but it means i get to keep my clients (the ones that want to keep me, anyway).

btw, bozodog, i hope youre fucking happy now, im posting to my blog. now you can quit bitching that im so inactive.

my days are numbered

my day started out absolutely great :\ i slept through my alarm clock. i got to work at 10.

so, we had a meeting today at the department of health. apparently, instead of staying on until august 31, we're closing july 31. not much else to say. i started calling guardians afterwards (while everyone else was out at peppers - a bar - and they didnt even bother to invite me). i got yelled at by a couple of them. the others were very sad. what really sucks ass though, is that once DSLM is gone, only one other provider is left in this area. the clients/guardians dont even have a choice on who their case management agency is. so... on that note - 19 days until unemployment.

July 11, 2006

wake me up when september ends

**ok, so i guess the word is pretty much out. im losing my job. the company i work for will be closing its doors as of august 31 (thats the target date, at least), but it may - unlikely - extend into september. on friday, while i was in carlsbad, i decided that i needed to start telling people. i told their internal case managers and a couple of other pertinent people. i talked to a friend of mine who works there, he offered me a job as HR director. unfortunately, i dont really want to make a 160 mile commute every day. it was a nice gesture though. i also called the door and told amy about it. she asked me when i was going to tell the guys, i told her i didnt know.
**on my way home from carlsbad, i got a phone call from someone i used to work with. apparently everyone in albuquerque already knew we were closing, even before the employees did. he too, offered me a job. another nice gesture, but that would mean either a 400 mile commute, or a move. neither of which i want to do.
**on monday, i was setting up a visit with one of the guardians. she already knew about it, and she offered me some insight to some employment possibilities. she's great. almost like having another mom.
**today i went back to carlsbad and started telling some of my clients. the one person i figured would take it the hardest did a really great job of accepting the bad news. im really proud of him, hes worked so hard the last few months, and its gotten him a lot further than hes ever been. he thanked me for 'everything ive done for him.' that was really nice, it even made me cry (on the way home). i told him though, that i didnt do anything for him, i made it possible for him to do things for himself. i think he'll be ok. probably we're going to keep in touch, most likely through email. im glad he handled it well, he handled the news better than i did.
**on the way home, i ran into a nasty rain storm. blinding rain for about 15-20 miles, with marble sized hail. im so excited that the car came out without so much as a scratch in the paint. driving 30mph for 20 miles was NOT fun. on a lighter note, between artesia and roswell, i did a 40 mile drive in 25 minutes. im not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, but i did pass two sheriff's deputies and a state trooper. no ticket this time. guess today was my 'lucky' day...

51 days until im unemployed... let the countdown begin.

July 05, 2006


just wanted to tell you guys that i got some bad news today. probably very soon, in the next 2-3 months, my life will change drastically. i cant say whether the change will be for the best or not. in fact, i cant even make a formal announcement of it yet because some of the people affected by it may also be reading this post. lets just say i might have some 'extra' time on my hands somewhere in the semi-near future and leave it at that for now. i'll make other posts updating the status of the situation as soon as im cleared to do so.

on another note, ive been really sick the last 5 weeks or so. i started out june with the flu, which lasted for about 6 days. it was absolutely awful. i made a post on the 6th regarding my grandma crashing and burning in the gravel in the backyard. im pleased to announce that she is almost totally healed, with the exception of a severly sprained ankle. on the 12th, my mom underwent yet another major abdominal surgery. she too, is doing fine. stink got a new job, she started working at hastings last week and seems to really like it (except when she has to be at work by 6am). then, the week after that, i got really sick with an upper respiratory infection and bronchitis. i even went to the doctor. got antibiotics, had all my asthma meds filled, and then some kickass cough syrup. im still coughing like hell and my chest feels like its on fire, but im doing relatively ok.

anyway, just thought id drop a line to let you guys know whats going on in my neck of the woods...