Sinful

again, its been awhile since i sat down and wrote something with some actual meaning. its been a long few months, and i can honestly say that they havent necessarily good ones. at the risk of sounding pathetic and sorry for myself, ill explain.

so my dad dies in a plane crash, anyone reading this would know that already. i miss my dad greatly and no matter what i do or wish or beg, nothing will bring him back. nothing. ever. finii. this was even moreso evident last week when i really needed him. nobody can take the place of your parents, those that do are but mere substitutes for the real thing. nobody can, nor would i allow them to, replace or be a substitute for my dad.

i got very.... uh... incredibly sick last week, nine days ago, actually. i had a flu shot. and yes, i know, they do not inject you with active flu. i reacted anyway. within a couple of hours, i couldnt keep anything down - liquid or solid. that continued through the weekend. monday afternoon, i went to the doctor. she gave me the option of being forced into a hospital admission - involuntarily, or i could stay at home under house arrest and have no human physical contact until they knew what was wrong with me. she gave me a couple of possibilities, and neither of them were very good... .

so... they did bloodwork and 'other' labs and xrays of my abdomen on tuesday. and on my way home, it really hit. i started thinking 'i should call dad.' then i realized that it was a failed conscious memory... i cant call my dad. i dont have one anymore. and then i went ballistic. 'what am i going to do? who's going to fix this? i dont even have anyone i can talk to who would understand...' and reality really set in. i spent most of the week feeling sorry for myself, and sad, and scared, and upset. and lost and alone and lonely.and then, it still didnt make me feel any better.

then i went back friday for the follow up visit to find out the test results. they werent good. something bad is wrong. it was one of the not-so-great possibilities that she had told me about on monday.i go back in two weeks for fresh labwork and another visit to see if maybe these test results were bogus or off in some way. until then, im not going to say anything else about it. not even what it is, until i know for sure. we'll let it suffice to say that this 'diagnosis' explains a lot of things... being constantly exhausted, feeling like shit all the time, rapdi-significant-major weight loss (ive lost 53lbs since june 19), difficulty sleeping, headaches, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, loss of appetite. it all makes sense now. at least to me... and my mom. (im so glad i at least have my mom to talk to. she may not know anything about medical stuff, but shes good at research. - thanks mom!)

Posted by sin at 03:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

last night was halloween. we had quite a few trickortreaters, more than last year. but only one stood out in particular. last night i met an angel named mariah. i heard talking out in the driveway, and so i got up to go give out candy. when i got to the door, i saw the most beautiful child i had ever seen. only there was something wrong. this beautiful little princess in a pink costume dress, wand, and crown was standing just outside the door. she didnt have any hair. my first thoughts were 'how could someone shave this poor little girl's head?! how horrible!' but then i noticed the peach-fuzz hair, blond and wispy. and then i saw the purplish-red marks under her eyes. it didnt take long to realize that she was a cancer patient. i opened the door, held out the bucket of candy and told her to take as much as she wanted, that we had plenty (and we did, apparently mom, grandma, justin, and stink ALL bought candy this year - so we had about 10 times too much). she smiled and took one piece. i told her it wasnt enough, and told her to take handfuls. she looked up at her dad to see if it was ok, not saying a word. he told her it was alright. her dad looked at me and said 'this is her first halloween out of the hospital. she was just well enough for them to release her for a few days. she's very excited since she's never gotten to dress up before.' i couldnt help but ask him though, what kind of cancer she has. he looked at me strangely and asked how i knew, i could only respond and telll him that id been down that road too. she has stage five aplastic anemia, he told me. and we talked for a bit. her name is mariah, her dad's name is duane. he also told me that i was the first person (outside the hospital) that didnt look at her strange. before they left, i told mariah that she looked like an angel. she walked slowly up to me and gave me a hug, said thank you for the candy, and then looked at her dad and asked if they could go home. she was too tired. ours was their first house, i knew, because her bag was empty when they came. duane turned back and said to me, 'thanks for making a little girl's wish come true. she's only four, but we dont know how long she has left.' i couldnt help crying when i went back into the house. i was visited by an angel, and that made the whole night for me. sometimes the small things do make quite a difference.

here's to you little mariah, may you get well and be strong. thanks for making my night, little angel.

Posted by sin at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

today was the best day ever. that is all.

Posted by sin at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i love my sister. probably i dont say that enough. last weekend we went out to dinner on friday with a friend of mine. then on saturday we went to a dress shop to look at dresses because she's going to the marine corps ball in november. afterward, we went to the theater and watched "Flyboys". she stayed the night at my house saturday night and we watched shows i'd recorded on my DVR. we also watched some more on sunday and then a movie on sunday afternoon. tonight she came over again and we're going to watch "Jarhead" on DVD and then watch the past week's shows off the DVR.
*you never realize what youre missing until its taken away from you. sometimes, you can only appreciate it for what it is when you get it back, if you ever get it back at all. for a long time my sister and i hadn't been really close. we'd see each other only in passing every week or two. she was busy with high school, hanging out with her friends, and later on, she had a boyfriend. 'ratface' i've taken to calling him. he really does look like a rat. i mean, i may not be a beauty queen or a super model, but i am NOT ugly (contrary to what some people might think). so, for a long time, stink and i didnt have much contact with each other. now that many of her close friends have moved away, mostly to large universities, and she got rid of ratface, we've been able to 'hang out' more together. i really enjoy it. ive missed her. i didnt realize how much i missed us being true *sisters* until recently. im glad she's back.

Posted by sin at 09:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i feel... i feel. i feel like a deflated balloon. all hopes were dashed this evening regarding the new job i was supposed to be getting. i feel absolutely rotten, and lousy. in fact, this is the worst ive felt in -days-. seriously. as if things couldnt get any worse, the one thing id been holding onto, hoping for, came crashing out from under me like ... i dont know, i feel like i just watched a trainwreck... and the train is my life.
*i went to hastings to go visit stink and take her dinner. while i was there, i ran into beth, who is one of my former client's daytime staff. she works with trish, who has been doing everything she could to get the self directed waiver up and running in our state. so much for that. i talk with beth for awhile and ask how everyone is doing, they're fine, but she's having surgery on wednesday. chatted a bit. then i asked how things were coming for the SDW. the look on her face said it all, it was like a cloud washed over her, and i could tell she didnt want to be the one to break the news to me, but she couldnt very well deny it. she told me the state's decided to push it back for another year. she didnt say why. i was, for lack of a better description, devastated. i felt bad cornering her like that, but there was no other way. i wonder if anyone was going to tell me...
*so we finish up the conversation, beth turns to leave, and i move on, thinking about it. just thinking. we left hastings and went to officemax because my mom needed a shredder. thats when it really hit. i nearly burst into tears right in the middle of the store. i feel horrible. ive been holding onto this hope, this thought of something new, the new beginnings, the good things that were going to come of this new waiver. and now i think, what do i have left? ive been holding on for almost two months, only to have my hopes dashed in thirty seconds. ive been waiting. ive turned down other job offers because i was waiting on this. i just cant believe it. i cant believe its happened, or not happened, so to speak. so now, im at a loss. i dont know what to do. ive wanted this -so- bad. and now, now there is nothing.

Posted by sin at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i had a hell of a day.

i bought a computer yesterday. got three emails from dell:
1: your order has been received.
2: your oder has been confirmed.
3: your bank has blocked this purchase, please call your bank.

so anyway, i was in artesia on my way to carlsbad today, and i stopped by the atm, got $40 out, it gave me the money, gave me the receipt, and then ate my card. so i called the bank. of course when i called the artesia branch (the one i was at), they took the information (purchase, card eating atm) and said they'd call me back. they didnt. so i called the roswell branch. i cant get it back until friday, but they did clear my purchase. they thought my card had been stolen. the account has a $1000 limit on online purchases. everything above that needs approval first, or they block it.

and then.. i transitioned about half my people in carlsbad. it was really sad, and i looked really stupid because i didnt have the files with me (we were told we couldnt take the files). and the other case manager was upset because we didnt have all the information, not that i could help it.

so i came home, fixed the problem with dell, and then went back out to midway to do a visit at 5 and one at 6. it made me sad, i felt like i was saying 'the last goodbye'. one of the guardians, of a client ive had for almost a year, sat and cried with me. she seemed just as upset as i was. she even hugged me for awhile. its hard saying goodbye. just because im sorry (that im leaving) doesnt mean i havent enjoyed these people all this time...

Posted by sin at 08:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

this morning i decided i was going to be late. on purpose. i got to the office about 9am. i went in, sat around and did nothing for about two hours, did a couple of packets, faxed one to blue cross and mailed the other (it was too big to fax). then i looked at the third file i wanted to get done today. i got a call from esperanza, and was invited to the 'july birthday' (they do a party every month for their clients and staff that have a birthday that month). so monica and i went at noon, we left at 330 and went back to the office. i had a great time, visited with almost all my clients from there, talked to some of the guardians. when i got back to the office, there was a note for me on the board "Nic, FOC in your box." (an FOC is a 'freedom of choice' letter to change agencies for a particular service, this one being case management.) i was expecting FOC's so we can transition clients to the new agency, they were mailed out yesterday. i didnt expect it to be so soon. i looked in my box, and it was for the client i least wanted to transition. ive worked so hard with him, and his life has made a 100% turnaround. im so proud of him. hes like a brother to me. we have similar backgrounds in life. similar shortcomings, similar difficulties. im five months older than him to the day. i took it to monica and showed her who it was for, and then i burst into tears. im absolutely devastated. i cant begin to describe my sadness. this is so depressing. its absolutely awful. this is the last thing i wanted to face, but here it is, staring at me. it wont go away. i cant remember the last time i was so sad. i immediately went and hid in my office, in the dark, and cried for almost an hour. im literally sick over this. i havent slept but a few hours for the past week and a half. i feel like i just cant take it anymore. this was all such a shock. i mean, ive been hearing things from what i consider a trusted source, for six months now... i just didnt expect it to be so soon.

Posted by sin at 06:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

my day started out absolutely great :\ i slept through my alarm clock. i got to work at 10.

so, we had a meeting today at the department of health. apparently, instead of staying on until august 31, we're closing july 31. not much else to say. i started calling guardians afterwards (while everyone else was out at peppers - a bar - and they didnt even bother to invite me). i got yelled at by a couple of them. the others were very sad. what really sucks ass though, is that once DSLM is gone, only one other provider is left in this area. the clients/guardians dont even have a choice on who their case management agency is. so... on that note - 19 days until unemployment.

Posted by sin at 08:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

**ok, so i guess the word is pretty much out. im losing my job. the company i work for will be closing its doors as of august 31 (thats the target date, at least), but it may - unlikely - extend into september. on friday, while i was in carlsbad, i decided that i needed to start telling people. i told their internal case managers and a couple of other pertinent people. i talked to a friend of mine who works there, he offered me a job as HR director. unfortunately, i dont really want to make a 160 mile commute every day. it was a nice gesture though. i also called the door and told amy about it. she asked me when i was going to tell the guys, i told her i didnt know.
**on my way home from carlsbad, i got a phone call from someone i used to work with. apparently everyone in albuquerque already knew we were closing, even before the employees did. he too, offered me a job. another nice gesture, but that would mean either a 400 mile commute, or a move. neither of which i want to do.
**on monday, i was setting up a visit with one of the guardians. she already knew about it, and she offered me some insight to some employment possibilities. she's great. almost like having another mom.
**today i went back to carlsbad and started telling some of my clients. the one person i figured would take it the hardest did a really great job of accepting the bad news. im really proud of him, hes worked so hard the last few months, and its gotten him a lot further than hes ever been. he thanked me for 'everything ive done for him.' that was really nice, it even made me cry (on the way home). i told him though, that i didnt do anything for him, i made it possible for him to do things for himself. i think he'll be ok. probably we're going to keep in touch, most likely through email. im glad he handled it well, he handled the news better than i did.
**on the way home, i ran into a nasty rain storm. blinding rain for about 15-20 miles, with marble sized hail. im so excited that the car came out without so much as a scratch in the paint. driving 30mph for 20 miles was NOT fun. on a lighter note, between artesia and roswell, i did a 40 mile drive in 25 minutes. im not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, but i did pass two sheriff's deputies and a state trooper. no ticket this time. guess today was my 'lucky' day...

51 days until im unemployed... let the countdown begin.

Posted by sin at 09:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today, one of my clients (ER) and his staff (BT) took me out to lunch. It was great to get out of the office. I hadn't taken a lunch all week. I really needed a break today. We had an awesome time and I look forward to doing it again. ER's birthday was last friday, so this was his "birthday lunch". Next month, we're going out again for a birthday lunch, mine... More about work later. I'm so exhausted!

Posted by sin at 10:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i could totally be married to this job i like it so much. i spent four days in training so far this month. the 8-9 and the 15-16. i went to carlsbad and artesia yesterday, to visit some of my clients, and some clients that belong to one of my co-workers. i didnt get home until fairly late last night (late as far as work goes). i love my clients, and i like what i do.

Posted by sin at 09:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the other day i was having a panic attack at work. i thought about hanging myself with my scarf. i actually got up and walked out of the conference room during staff meeting, wrapped my scarf around my neck as i was walking down the hall toward the restroom, and thought about hanging myself in there. i had it twisted up in the air when i realized there was no place to tie it to. scary.

Posted by sin at 05:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

today i had an interview with a case management agency ive wanted to work for for nearly five years now. all hopes of getting this job were dessimated upon my entering the building, as i looked at the visitors list to sign in and one of my old supervisor's name was printed right above where i was going to sign in. lovely. all my confidence went right down the drain. now i get to wait for the call of rejection.

Posted by sin at 02:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Ok... for those of you who I talked to a few weeks/months ago:
I finally got my degree posted. It should be in the mail soon... it reads--

DEGREE INFORMATION
Awarded: Assoc of Applied Science
Degree Date: May 06, 2004
Major: Computer Application Systems

Awarded: Bachelor of Applied Arts & Sci
Degree Date: May 14, 2005
Major: Applied Arts and Sciences
Concentration: Computer Information Sys
Human Resource Management

And to those of you who know me, and have listened to me the last 18 months... do you see anything wrong with what I just pasted up there? Something is there that doesn't quite fit... something that I don't think is really supposed to be there. Care to take a guess?

Posted by sin at 08:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

**i got my first shot on friday. i can tell you (having experienced this for the 7th time in 18 months...) that this is -not- fun. first of all, the needle is huge. and it gets shoved into my asscheek. then, when they push the liquid, it makes this disgusting noise, sort of like a gurgling noise... the kind that makes you think of "the squirts." i'm sure everyone knows what i mean by that. *gross*
**i felt like crap all day friday, but instead of going to bed like i should have, i ended up finishing preparing for a presentation for class on saturday. i didn't sleep well friday night, going to bed at 1115p and falling asleep after 230a is not cool.
**on saturday i got up at 520, to get ready for the drive to portales. i hate doing presentations. everyone got to my house around 7 and we left about 715. the presentations sucked. they -s-u-c-k-e-d-. we got home at about 5pm... and do i go rest? no. another stupid thing of me to do. hot flashes, freezing spells... oh, and i noticed more hair in my brush than usual. the hair-thinning begins! thankfully, i wont go bald.
**on going bald: my mom told me the other night that if all my hair falls out this time, she and my sister are going to donate their hair to locks of love. i think this is a very noble thing to do. on another note, we're doing the american cancer society's relay for life on friday night (the 29th)...

Posted by sin at 10:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

**havent heard anything back on the lupron yet. however, some people have expressed interest in wanting to know if im going to be "BALD" or not.
**in answer... no, i wont be bald. some of my hair will fall out because of the chemo. and ill look like crap. and feel ugly. and ill cry a lot and ill be nauseated most of the time. but mostly people wont even notice the hair thing. luckily, ive got a lot of hair, its long and its thick.

Posted by sin at 04:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

**so i spent a few hours on the telephone yesterday and achieved this: im going back on lupron. eww. but i got a new pain med. oxycontin or something. it makes me a little loopy. i can just see trying to concentrate in class on this shit. my mom even took my car keys away yesterday.
**the local doctor's office and the insurance company are already working on getting the lupron. i cant get it from a pharmacy here in town because theyre not licensed to carry chemotherapy drugs. its ok, its cheaper this way. the insurance company pays for all of it ($800 every 30 days). and, it gets sent to me, not to be lost in some doctor's office. the only thing ill be out is a $2.10 needle disposal and handling fee. which is nice. anyway, the bad thing is that it can take awhile for the paperwork to go through. at least theyre already working on it. :\

Posted by sin at 08:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

**i went to the doctor on tuesday last week, for a follow-up from the surgery. everything was going well, so it seemed. the recovery was slow-going, and i was still in some pain. they decided to change my medications, i agreed because with the information provided and a lot of research on my part, it seemed like the thing to do.
**turns out, it wasnt the thing to do. on friday, i started feeling really bad, and grew progressively worse until today (monday). i finally broke down and called my doctors in albuquerque. i am going back on chemo. until the prescription can be filled, i get to go back on the old medications, and something different/stronger for the current pain level.
**i dont really mind my hair falling out and being nauseated if its a trade for wanting to put a pistol to my head and pull the trigger. i cannot remember the last time i hurt this bad, even before the most recent surgery.
**more on this later. im waiting on my local physician to call me with more info.

Posted by sin at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

(Jeff) can you believe my mom.. she left me HOME... while she went to a strip show.. gawd..that's like my dream.. can you believe she did that to me?!?!

Posted by sin at 12:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)