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November 30, 2007

never

i got a text message from one of my coworkers, a 'forward', which i normally hate, but i thought this would be a good one. for me, it came at one of those 'right time right place' situations. it was something that made me feel better, something i needed to hear. it was worth passing on:

Never say you’re happy when you’re sad.
Never say you’re ok when you’re not.
Never say you’re alone while I’m alive.

November 26, 2007

waltzing

i wonder what people are thinking when they decide they're going to disappear off the face of the earth for awhile and then change their minds and try to waltz back into someone else's life... i've never understood that, and i probably never will. you cant just leave, vanish even, and then all of a sudden show back up expecting everything to be the same. it isn't, especially if you did something to hurt someone else, intentional or not. if anyone knows a 'good' explanation for this phenomenon, i'd be happy to hear it.

November 22, 2007

thanksgiving day

Thanksgiving Day.

So, uh, I probably have a lot to be thankful for, but to be honest… I really don’t care. I don’t get the fact that we have to have a national holiday set aside to be “thankful”. Shouldn’t we ALWAYS be thankful? Honestly again, none of us (in general) actually stop every day and thank |insert random deity here| for everything good in their lives. I don’t know anyone who does that. Maybe that’s why we have to make it a national holiday? Pretty sad. So…

I guess I could write a list of what I’m thankful for. I’m glad I have a family to share the holidays with, even if they drive me crazy. I’m thankful that I have good friends to come save me from my family. I have enough – food clothes and shelter. I even have a lot of “nice” things. I have a good/decent job. So many people don’t have what I have and I feel sorry for them. For some, its for reasons beyond their control. For others its simply because they don’t work for it. Nothing in life comes free. Everything has its price. So, now, I ask you. What are YOU willing to pay?

November 19, 2007

what the fuck was i thinking?

what the fuck was i thinking?! i'll tell you what i was thinking. i was thinking that you were my friend. i was wrong. i hate admitting that i'm wrong, but i'll do it if i am. so here i go: I WAS WRONG. YOU are an ASSHOLE. not only do *i* think you're an asshole, so does my shrink. so what does that make you? it makes you a fucking prick AND an asshole. i hope you're happy.

November 17, 2007

happy birthday, dad

Happy Birthday, Dad!

I love you and I miss you so much.

God, how I wish you were here.

more lyrics... 'dry your eyes'

Today I was talking with someone about so-called 'music quality' and decided to put "my" speakers and subwoofer up against the wonderfully awesome Bose speakers on another computer. the Bose won hands down on music quality when played at a higher volume, but couldnt hold a candle to the bass that my regular speakers and subwoofer put up... we decided to play this particular song "dry your eyes" by The Streets, one that i'd borrowed from subwolf back when he lived here... (special note, if you watch the video and read the lyrics some of the song has been cut out of the video - the fuckin just fuckin etc part... guess even british television censors shit.)

its an incredibly sad song when you sit and listen to it. makes you think of all the things that never were, could have been but werent... depressing. but its a really sweet song when you think about it. *sniff* and i remember crying to this song more than once, for several different reasons and memories that i wont share.

Lyrics are as follows:

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'
Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.

November 14, 2007

new favorite songs...

i recently acquired the Amy Winehouse CD "Back to Black" and I *really* like it. There's a couple songs on there that I seem to like more than the others, though to me the entire CD is pretty fucking awesome. She has some hella hair - see the links to videos... Here's the lyrics:

"Back to Black":
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....
I go back to us
I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

And then there's "Tears Dry On Their Own":

All I'll can ever be to you
Is a darkness that we knw,
And this regret I got accustomed to.
Once it was so right
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night.
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached.
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
I don't understand,
Why do I stress a man,
When there's so many bigger things at hand,
We could've never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is an inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you
A perspective pushes true,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon.
I couldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
So we are history,
Your shadow covers me,
The sky above
A blaze
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets.
So we are history,
Your shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In my blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I am grown
And in your way,
My deep shade,
My tears dry on their own.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
My deep shade,
My tears dry...

November 10, 2007

coming clean doesnt make it any easier, thats for sure

here i go feeling sorry for myself again. i *think* im finally beginning to understand what it feels like to be depressed. this is a milestone for me... admitting defeat. its even harder to admit when you spend your entire life pretending that things arent so bad, and then one little thing finally takes you down for good. maybe this time it isnt such a little thing.

and now i'll explain. today i went over to the cave (my grandma's... if youve never heard me talk about going to the cave or visiting with the bat, then maybe you dont know me as well as you think you do.) we started talking. the bat is one of the few people in my life that i cant pretend with. and leaving things out - forbid actually flat-out lying to her - is not something that happens often. she picks up on things better than most people, so its hard to hide stuff from her, even for just a short while. bottom line: nobody hides anything or lies to grandma, ever...

back to where i was going with this. my grandma and i were talking about various family members and their assorted issues and afflictions etc. so then i started feeling sorry for myself and blurted out 'at least they arent dying a slow painful death.' she stared at me. then she said 'and neither are you...' but didnt sound to sure of herself when she said it. and i finally broke down and told her that im really sick. damaged, almost broken, possibly beyond repair. and she cried. we both cried, though i did my best to hide it. i told her about the doctor making me stay quarantined for a week and the labs and tests and abdominal x-rays and being exhausted and sick all the time. the explanation for the weight loss (53.5 lbs now... starting june 19). things id been hiding (very poorly) from her. like i said, she doesnt miss much.

so we're sitting there talking about whats wrong and what can be done and i explained the waiting game - labs and tests again monday november 12 and then ill find out final results on the 19th. and still, she sits there bawling her eyes out, and then i felt bad for telling her, because i hate her worrying about me more than she already does. nobody likes to see their grandmother cry. probably hitler didnt make his grandma cry either... though im not nearly as bad of a person as hitler was.

she cries and cries and cries. its breaking my heart. and i tell her that technically we shouldnt really worry so much about whats wrong until the second set of labs come back. and that its my cross to bear, and she says 'well, it may be your cross, but ill be carrying it right along beside you.' THAT made me cry even harder. so then i find myself turning her own long-ago spoken words back on her. i reminded her that she had all these little inspirational notes stuck in her 'private' places in the house... namely the one on her desk "let go, and let god'. imagine me, turning christianity back on my grandmother, who had raised me in a 'good christian home' from the day i was born. it was really hard for me to say that to her 'if you believe that god will carry your burdens for you then youre going to have to let him carry this one too. i'm not that worried. if i die, i know where i'm going when my soul departs this earth. it doesnt matter what happens in life after death, i wont be here to care anymore.' its really hard to tell your grandmother that you're ready to die. and mean it.

so mote it be.