February 17, 2008

Our Deepest Fear - stolen from somewhere

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

--in a movie i cannot remember the name of, this quote was attributed to W. E. B. DuBois... i find on the web, it was by a woman named Marianne Williamson. regardless of who this original thought belongs to, it is worth pondering, sharing, remembering. so, here's to all of you, give everything you can, even if you think there's nothing left. someday, somebody may surprise you, and point out the best things youve missed about yourself for way too long.

November 17, 2007

happy birthday, dad

Happy Birthday, Dad!

I love you and I miss you so much.

God, how I wish you were here.

November 10, 2007

coming clean doesnt make it any easier, thats for sure

here i go feeling sorry for myself again. i *think* im finally beginning to understand what it feels like to be depressed. this is a milestone for me... admitting defeat. its even harder to admit when you spend your entire life pretending that things arent so bad, and then one little thing finally takes you down for good. maybe this time it isnt such a little thing.

and now i'll explain. today i went over to the cave (my grandma's... if youve never heard me talk about going to the cave or visiting with the bat, then maybe you dont know me as well as you think you do.) we started talking. the bat is one of the few people in my life that i cant pretend with. and leaving things out - forbid actually flat-out lying to her - is not something that happens often. she picks up on things better than most people, so its hard to hide stuff from her, even for just a short while. bottom line: nobody hides anything or lies to grandma, ever...

back to where i was going with this. my grandma and i were talking about various family members and their assorted issues and afflictions etc. so then i started feeling sorry for myself and blurted out 'at least they arent dying a slow painful death.' she stared at me. then she said 'and neither are you...' but didnt sound to sure of herself when she said it. and i finally broke down and told her that im really sick. damaged, almost broken, possibly beyond repair. and she cried. we both cried, though i did my best to hide it. i told her about the doctor making me stay quarantined for a week and the labs and tests and abdominal x-rays and being exhausted and sick all the time. the explanation for the weight loss (53.5 lbs now... starting june 19). things id been hiding (very poorly) from her. like i said, she doesnt miss much.

so we're sitting there talking about whats wrong and what can be done and i explained the waiting game - labs and tests again monday november 12 and then ill find out final results on the 19th. and still, she sits there bawling her eyes out, and then i felt bad for telling her, because i hate her worrying about me more than she already does. nobody likes to see their grandmother cry. probably hitler didnt make his grandma cry either... though im not nearly as bad of a person as hitler was.

she cries and cries and cries. its breaking my heart. and i tell her that technically we shouldnt really worry so much about whats wrong until the second set of labs come back. and that its my cross to bear, and she says 'well, it may be your cross, but ill be carrying it right along beside you.' THAT made me cry even harder. so then i find myself turning her own long-ago spoken words back on her. i reminded her that she had all these little inspirational notes stuck in her 'private' places in the house... namely the one on her desk "let go, and let god'. imagine me, turning christianity back on my grandmother, who had raised me in a 'good christian home' from the day i was born. it was really hard for me to say that to her 'if you believe that god will carry your burdens for you then youre going to have to let him carry this one too. i'm not that worried. if i die, i know where i'm going when my soul departs this earth. it doesnt matter what happens in life after death, i wont be here to care anymore.' its really hard to tell your grandmother that you're ready to die. and mean it.

so mote it be.

August 19, 2007

two weeks

It's been two weeks. Nothing's really changed. I still feel like my world has been turned upside down and broken beyond repair. It's hard to move on. I keep thinking that I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll heal. I'll cope. I wake up and things are still the same. I miss my dad. I miss him -so- much. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He was always there, even if sometimes it didn't seem like it. I've mentioned before, we were always too busy. There wasn't time. Now there isn't any time at all, and I'm left feeling empty and alone. I know I'm not alone. I have a great family. Awesome friends. A wonderful support system. But it doesn't change anything and it doesn't make me feel any better. Pretty much my entire support system took the same hit I did, and they're feeling the same way I do. In their own ways. They're moving on, they're beginning to cope. I wish I was that lucky.

I feel like complete and total shit. Every time I needed my dad, he was always there for me. When I was sick, when I was broken, he was always there to fix me, whatever the problem was. Who's going to fix me now? Who will I call in the middle of the night when I'm sick as a dog? Probably anybody... but it won't be the same. Nobody can fill that void. Those shoes are too big for any one person to step in to. That's one other thing that simply can't be done.

The last time I talked to my dad was on July 17, nearly three weeks before he died.

I got really sick again the Friday before he left us. That Sunday was the worst day (medical-wise) I had in nearly six years. I was so, so, so sick. I decided that I was going to call him. I never got the chance. I got the call instead.

People always talk about finding closure when they lose someone. I don't think I'll ever find closure. I lost nine years of my dad's life. Now I've lost a lifetime. How can I ever forgive myself for the things I didn't do? Things that, now, can't be done. Words left unsaid, trips not taken, missed get-togethers, un-returned calls. We were both guilty of that, but I'm the one left with the consequences. Can't say its entirely our fault, because someone else had a big hand in this. One day, she'll pay for what she's done.

August 16, 2007

To Our Southwest MedEvac Family -

I hope you have enough.
Enough strength, enough courage, enough hope.
Enough to keep going, even if you think you can't.

You are the guardians of Life, so that others may live.
You are the Angels who walk the Earth, who soar through
The deep blue skies, so that others may have hope, find peace.

Some may say that "First Class" is the best, the only way to fly.
I know better.

There is no greater way to fly in our earthly world, than to
Fly for Life.

Keep on flying, Brothers and Sisters.
Fly for Life.

Thank you, for all that you do.

In Loving Memory of N369CD -
Brian Miller, Deanna Palmer, Ricky Byers

With great love,
Brian's daughters

Southwest MedEvac Memorial site

August 08, 2007

not enough time

There was never enough time. We work too much. We didn’t talk enough. We were always too busy. It was always an afterthought.

My dad was always at work. He volunteered for the shifts nobody wanted, weekends, holidays, any time. That’s the kind of person he was. Of course, I was also a very busy person. I went to school. I worked. I sat at home and never went out. I avoided the telephone. Though I must admit, any time my dad called it was a great treat, so I always answered, or I called back as soon as I could.

There are so many things I'm going to miss. So much of his life I wasn’t allowed to be part of because his wife hated me. She was his second wife. She has always hated me. She always will. And she can say all she wants about how I was never there for him and that I never called and that the only time I called was when I wanted something. Part of that is true. The reason I didn’t call was because of her.

For the last almost nine years she’s been married to my dad, she went out of her way to be hateful towards me and to my sister. Mostly to me. Truth be told, I don’t like her all that much either. How is a person supposed to take it when they call their dad’s house to talk to him and she hangs up on us? What kind of person does that make her? What she doesn’t know is that my sister and I, we used to call him at work or on his cell phone. We almost never called the house, just to avoid having to talk to her.

I miss my dad SO much. I would do anything to take it back. I would do anything to have him with me. I would try harder to get along with her. I would… god I miss him.

I'm going to miss the random phone calls. I'm going to miss passing him driving down the street and hearing my cell phone go off playing “Ridin’ Dirty”… Funny thing, that song, pretty much every time my dad called was when we passed each other driving somewhere. I seemed to always be in the car when his calls came through. It became a joke after awhile and that song became his custom ring. Dad was the only one with a custom ring. Mostly that’s because we hardly ever saw one another, hardly ever talked on the phone. Neither of us was really big on phone calls. We always kept it short because of that.

August 07, 2007


People keep asking me how I feel. I'm so tired of answering that question. I'm tired of all the questions. I'm tired of not getting any answers.


That’s the only word I can think of when people ask how I'm doing. It’s the only way I can respond truthfully. Being broken, that implies that it can be fixed. You can’t fix this. Nobody should have to bury their parents so young. My dad was only 44 years old. He was too young to die. He shouldn’t have died. They were all too young. The pilot, Ricky, he was 56; the paramedic, Deanna, she was 40 (and a single mom with three kids); there was my dad… only 44. so young, so full of life, awesome in so many ways you couldn’t even count, most of all:

My dad was a hero.

People don’t understand why I say that I'm shattered. I feel like I'm in a million little pieces and they can’t be put back together. They will never be put back together. Never again. I will always have this empty hole in my heart, in my life. Nothing will ever fill that void. I will never be the same and there’s nothing anyone can do to fix this. It will never be fixed. It just can’t be done.

I always thought I would die first.

And until then, I'm shattered.

nobody made it

Sunday night/Monday morning I couldn’t sleep I finally caved and took an Ambien (a time-release sleep medication) at about 3am. I fell asleep somewhere around 330. Sleep wasn’t in the cards that night. At 530 Monday morning my dad’s wife calls my house and tells me that the plane my dad was on is missing. There had been no contact since they left the airport in Ruidoso to transport a 15 month old girl to a hospital in Albuquerque.

My dad was a flight nurse. My dad was a hero.

The plane took off sometime between 10 and 11pm Sunday night. From recent reports, it crashed four minutes after take-off. While traveling around a mountain range outside of Ruidoso, something went wrong. We don’t know what went wrong, probably we never will. The plane crashed into the side of a mountain in a place called “Devil’s Canyon,” which is a treacherous place to navigate during the day… even worse at night.

My dad’s wife called to say the plane was missing, that the National Guard and the New Mexico State Police had helicopters out searching for it… less than 20 minutes later she calls back to say that the plane was found, but they didn’t know if there were any survivors. The Search and Rescue crews spent nearly an hour hiking into the scene on foot.

There were no survivors. Nobody made it. They were all gone. I can’t bring them back…

Nobody survived.

June 26, 2007

a quiet plea

i dont normally ask for prayers but i would like to appeal to my friends online to keep me, and some other people in my life, in their thoughts the next few days:

i have been hoping for a promotion at work for quite awhile now. i am hoping that will come later this week. if it doesnt, i will be angry and upset, and i will most likely be actively searching for a new job, because im sick of getting fucked over. there is no sane reason why a hardworking person with a bachelor's degree in management should be the second in command to a person who is lazy, as well as a high school dropout who barely got their GED.

my best friend, erika, will be losing her job tomorrow. she used to work in the same store i do, but due to circumstances beyond her control, her boss wants to let her go. sadly enough, its because the customers where she works are complaining that she wears too much black, and they think she's a devil worshiper - which she isnt. she was a christian missionary overseas for several years. if i am promoted at work, the she will probably be coming back to work with me, as my second in command. if not, she may lose the place she lives if she cant find another job soon. she has a four year old son.

one of my close online friends is in a bad place in life right now and is doing his best to overcome health issues that caused him to lose his job. because of that, he will be losing his home (like erika, but for different reasons). he is starting a new venture in life and we are all hoping that it takes off and does well.

another very close online friend has been nominated for an award, we will know if he is selected by monday, july 1. we hope everything works out because many good things will come from this nomination.

if there is anything else anyone would like to add, please feel free to do so. replies arent necessary but are certainly welcome.

April 25, 2007

who says you cant live forever?

yesterday before i went to work, i actually had a few minutes to spare so i sat down to read the paper. i got as far as the obituaries page before i actually stopped and really started to read. when you're young, you don't expect to sit down one day and find yourself staring face to face with someone you know on the obituaries page. thats what happened to me. a friend, someone i haven't seen in almost ten years, his graduation in fact, passed away a few days ago. jeremy was only 28 years old. people this young shouldn't die, for any reason... least of all kidney failure (which i read on my friend sandra's blog). jeremy was a good friend to everyone he met. i knew him my freshman year of high school, we hung out with the same group of people but i wouldn't say we were very close. he was closer with other people, but i still say he was a friend. jeremy was the kind of guy you could talk to and know that he was actually listening. he had a great band, uncle sid - definitely much better than the average 'local band', especially for such a small community. jeremy left behind two young sons, i feel sorry for them and the rest of his family because he was taken away so soon. while his body is gone, his spirit will live on in the memories of all the lives he touched. because he was such an awesome person, he will indeed, live forever. we will miss you, even those of us who havent see you in such a long while.

what really strikes me is that just the other day (friday) i was talking to one of the guys (will) who's in the same band (promise the casket) as my friend anthony. will and i were discussing local bands and how there haven't been any really good ones in a long time. i happened to mention jeremy and his band from back in the day. four days later, i find out he's gone...

September 11, 2006

september eleventh

** today is the five year anniversary of the 9-11 attacks. i hate saying anniversary because that word brings to mind happiness, joy, and all things good. an anniversary is supposed to be a happy day to remember. this is not. a lot has changed in the past five years. the way we travel, the way we think. i remember where i was five years ago, when i first heard. the schoolday was just starting, i was still asleep. my mom, a fifth grade teacher at the time, was getting her students ready to start the day. the morning news was on in their classroom, a project meant to bring world events to children, most of them who didnt have television. she watched as the first broadcast of the first plane hit the world trade center. she called me from her cellphone. i made it out to the school in time to watch the second plane hit. it was devastating. im sure most americans felt the same.
** i remember watching her students and their various reactions. some of them in awe, some crying, and some, sadly enough, laughing. it made me sick. i asked why they were laughing, they said that it was just like a video game. they thought it was fake. i only wish it was. i remember being mad, angry at them. i asked them if they thought people dying was funny, being murdered. some of them didnt care, most got a clue.
** i remember several friends immediately joining the armed forces. mostly i remember sandra. she was the only female friend i knew who joined up. she made it back. some of my friends havent. i dont know if they ever will. i miss them, and i hope they're ok.
** so, here's to those who died that day, and to those who have died serving their country. may you and your families be blessed, and know that your loved ones have not died in vain.
** i will always remember; it would hurt too much to forget.

July 05, 2006


just wanted to tell you guys that i got some bad news today. probably very soon, in the next 2-3 months, my life will change drastically. i cant say whether the change will be for the best or not. in fact, i cant even make a formal announcement of it yet because some of the people affected by it may also be reading this post. lets just say i might have some 'extra' time on my hands somewhere in the semi-near future and leave it at that for now. i'll make other posts updating the status of the situation as soon as im cleared to do so.

on another note, ive been really sick the last 5 weeks or so. i started out june with the flu, which lasted for about 6 days. it was absolutely awful. i made a post on the 6th regarding my grandma crashing and burning in the gravel in the backyard. im pleased to announce that she is almost totally healed, with the exception of a severly sprained ankle. on the 12th, my mom underwent yet another major abdominal surgery. she too, is doing fine. stink got a new job, she started working at hastings last week and seems to really like it (except when she has to be at work by 6am). then, the week after that, i got really sick with an upper respiratory infection and bronchitis. i even went to the doctor. got antibiotics, had all my asthma meds filled, and then some kickass cough syrup. im still coughing like hell and my chest feels like its on fire, but im doing relatively ok.

anyway, just thought id drop a line to let you guys know whats going on in my neck of the woods...

August 04, 2005

interview updated

Talking to my friend Daniel was really helpful. He just happened to sign onto msn this evening and we talked for a bit. It made me feel a little better but I still am worried I won’t get this job.

Here’s the conversation between Daniel and me in case you’re interested.

Daniel: whats up
nic: surprised to see you online.
Daniel: i know
nic: just sitting here, i happened to look at msn and see you on.
nic: whats up?
Daniel: so what did you think of the interview
nic: i think i could have been a whole lot more confident and "sold" myself better if i hadn't seen pat's name on the list when i signed in.
Daniel: Do NOT worry about that
nic: that was a real downer
Daniel: you did great thats all i can say, k?
nic: thanks, you made me feel better.
nic: i came home and cried. :P
Daniel: WHY
nic: because i was upset! i was thinking, "pat has a shitload of education and experience on me. all ive got against her is personality." and thought also that if pat applied for the job, there were other people i know that are more qualified for it than i am. i was really discouraged. thats just my thinking, you know me. the everlasting pessimist.
Daniel: Well lets just say this, you have nothing to worry about K. I gave an excellent reference. It is up to the others to decide. Because i was a reference, my vote doesn't count. But my reference does.
nic: do you have any idea when a decision is going to be made?
Daniel: they should make a decision by friday

October 13, 2004

kicking people when they're down

**heres the way i think...
**no, i dont put up with bullshit. i stand up for what i believe in. once i get going on something, it consumes me with passion--whatever that something may be. i am dedicated. i dont lie down for others to walk all over me. my whole life, ive had something to prove. im still trying to find what that something is. when its necessary to walk all over other people, its important how you do it. those people may be all you have left some day. sometimes its necessary for people to be hurt to learn a lesson. what hurts more is being the teacher of that lesson, and even worse--if the lesson is never learned.
**as a sidenote--there's trouble in lockergnome, when is there not. while trying to reason with one of the people involved, the above is what i said to them. unfortunately, it didnt have the impact i intended it to. but i thought it was a good thing to post here nonetheless.

September 20, 2004

did you ever...

*begin rant*
**did you ever wake up one morning and know that you should just stay in bed? that it would be a much better idea to remain there, as opposed to venturing out into the cold cruelty and hatefulness of this world? these days come and go, but are returning to me more often than i care to admit. maybe my way of "dealing" with them is not traditional or healthy... it works for me though, and you should do what works, right?
**ok i lie. it works most of the time. what do i do? i thrive on stress, i ignore anxiety... i turn my back on depression. hey, im not superchick, it catches up with me every now and then. i get sad, i might cry a bit (omfg, yes, i have been known to cry.) its never for very long. after a bit it just rolls off my back and i move on.
**now jealousy. that one tends to stick around awhile. i cant help it, it just happens. its that damn feminine instinct that wells up within me. HORMONES! yeah, blaming it on hormones is a good excuse... ugh, ill finish this later. its becoming too long and moving towrds boring.
*end rant*