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September 27, 2006

the car, my dad, and subsequent sunburns

tomorrow im going to san antonio to pick up a friend from the hospital. long drive. anyway, i was cleaning out my SUV, which entails a shitload of vacuuming because my siberian husky cannot seem to stop shedding. it took me ~1.5 hours to vacuum it out because of 1: the doghair and 2: all the mud and dust and dirt from when we had storms a while back. sometimes living in the desert really sucks. so, while i was finishing up the vacuuming, i saw my dad. he was driving by on his harley and saw me and decided to stop and chat for a bit. talking with my dad was nice. id like to do it more often. seems we've always been too busy to just stop and hang out for awhile. so, after almost half an hour of talking with dad, i told him i had to go get the oil changed and fuel up for the trip tomorrow, he was on his way to the harley shop to talk to his friend jimmy (who owns it). i walk back inside and realize that i now have a raging sunburn, thanks to standing out in the sun. mostly i was in the shade and had the benefit of some cloud cover, but unfortunately, i can be in the sun for as little as five minutes and still end up looking roasted, toasted, and burnt to a crisp. never a fun thing... and still people wonder why i never go outside.

September 25, 2006

good for you

if you found this site by way of spywareinfo, kudos to you. im glad that you were able to find what you were looking for. i know some people probably arent too happy with me right about now in regards to my last blog post but thats too bad. feel free to bitch and complain about me all you want. in fact, i would love for you to leave comments. i approve anything that isnt spam, so feel free. we all have a right to make our voices heard.
*ive wanted to make that post for a long time now, but was waiting on 'the right moment' to do so. i have not been very amused, nor impressed, by some of the things ive seen recently. specifically in the chatrooms. but what really spawned the 'anger' behind my post was this. i wonder... what makes it ok for people like tom coyote, blair, chris pirillo to wander away for a few days, but its NOT ok for mike healan? of course he responsibilities. we all do. we also have a choice on whether or not we react to those 'responsibilities'. i wonder, has anyone given any thought that mike might NOT WANT to be found?
*i believe that we owe him the dignity and respect of honoring his decisions and especially his privacy. i, for one, would not appreciate it if any time i decided to take a break someone decided that it was their duty to broadcast it to the world, regardless of how long i had been gone. there is a big difference between saying 'has anyone seen nic?' and "NIC IS GONE WHERE IS SHE LETS GO FIND HER!!' that would really piss me off. true friends would not go on a smear campaign every time i was out of pocket for more than 24 hours. i cannot stand by and abide by the fact that mike has made a name for himself helping others and some people are more than happy to take that away from him.
*this and the previous post are probably the two most controversial posts i have ever written. i wont say im sorry for the things ive said because im not, and i wont be no matter what people say. mike has been a friend to me for several years now and i will stand by every thing he does, always. we're all entitled to our thoughts, actions, opinions, and feelings. again, if any of you would like to leave a comment, feel free to do so. i'll be more than glad to approve it provided that it isnt spamish. i believe in freedom of speech. however, your rights end when they begin to infringe upon someone else's; some people may want to keep that in mind.

Moral dilemma or moral decay?

As I sit here writing this, I’m wondering whether or not I should. While this particular situation is no business of my own, I can’t help but think that maybe I actually have a few points worth pondering. I’m sure all of you reading this know enough about me to realize that I don’t really care what other people think and they can say what they want about me. I have better things to do than worry about how a particular person feels about me. So anyway, on with the topic -- for right now we’ll leave this as a ‘hypothetical situation’ - it’s probably best that way.
*You guys all know that I own a website, I’m sure of this because you’re on it right now. Let’s say that one day I feel like getting up and walking away from it for awhile (which I have been known to do). What is my responsibility to the people who come to this website? Should I tell people where I’ve gone or when I plan on returning? What if I don’t want to come back at all? What if one day I finally got so fed up with running this website that I just didn’t want to do it anymore? And, what if I just wanted to let it sit dormant, I didn’t want to sell it off to someone, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to give it up completely? There are too many what-ifs. But here are my thoughts on those questions:
*What is my responsibility to the people who come to this website? I think that the minute I get up and walk away from my computer, my moral obligations end there. This website is for me, not you. Get hurt about that if you will, but most websites I know start out (this one is a perfect example) because the owner wants it, not because there is a demand. Like this one, some websites are for entertainment purposes. I made this one so we could put funny things up to share with others, but mostly it was a place of my own, where my rules apply even to me, where others could get together and have fun. Naughtycloset spawned from a chatroom! Some sites provide help – like 247fixes, but I know in my heart of hearts that therock didn’t start it simply because there was a demand. He wanted to make a difference, to help others, I think he did it for him – not for me, and probably not for you either. I could be wrong, but that’s just an example. I did, however, talk to him about it and he said, “(he) wanted (his) own malware removal forum which he had full control over it. No politics crap, and so there’s a place for users to post and not wait years to get help.”
*Should I tell people where I’ve gone or when I plan on returning? It’s only your business if I make it your business. You are not my spouse, significant other, child, or parent. I don’t have any obligations to you other than to be your friend. And then, if you truly are my friend, if I leave, you can rest assured there is some way to get in touch with me - IF I want to be found. Mostly the people that need to know where I am already know, anyone else can either ask them or wait until I come back. You do NOT own me.
What if I don’t want to come back at all? We all have choices. I choose to own this site, you choose to visit it. There may be a day in the future (though not the near future) that I might want to give up this site. If and when that day comes, it will be my choice and very few people or situations could get me to change my mind if it comes down to that.
*What if I just wanted to let it sit dormant, I didn’t want to sell it off to someone, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to give it up completely? That’s a dilemma that only I could answer. The closet is an extension of me as a person and I don’t think it would be the same if I left and gave it over to someone else. I don’t make any money off this site, though I have received a couple of donations (Thanks! You know who you are.). The intent of this site was not to make money; I doubt it ever will be. That’s something I battle with though, regarding the future of the closet. What if one day I got tired of maintaining it, but I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to let go? Who knows what will happen?
*So this brings me to why I made this post in the first place. If you’ve made it this far, you at least deserve to know that much. I have noticed in several places where people are talking about the so-called ‘disappearing acts’ of a mutual friend. This friend owns his own website. He has walked away from it more than once for reasons known only to him. It isn’t our business to know why, nor should we make it our business. Granted, he has a much greater ‘following’ than I do, but I can’t help but defend him. Regardless, the website is his to do with as he pleases. Some people cannot seem to let go of the fact that they do not own him and that he doesn’t have to answer to their every beck and call. Personally, I would like to see him left alone. What more can I say other than it is his life and it is NOT our responsibility to know where he is every minute of the day. I can’t say I blame him for going missing. If I had people hounding me incessantly I would probably take off too. He should NOT be hunted like an animal. He should NOT have to account for his every move. He deserves to have a private personal life just like the rest of us. And people should leave him be for awhile. Perhaps if he wasn’t being harassed so much he wouldn’t feel the need to take off. I mean, seriously, if I decided to take a break for a couple of weeks, I wouldn’t want people calling the POLICE on me. I’m glad no one obsesses about me that much. So, here’s to you, wherever you are. I hope everything is ok and I’ll see you when you get back.

September 22, 2006

sleeping like the dead

i dont know which is better, sleeping all day or not being able to sleep at all. i swear i felt better when i -wasnt- sleeping. normally, i cant sleep any time before 2am. im awake and asleep, awake, asleep, all night long. but lately, that hasnt been the case. i guess im finally crashing out sometime between 230 and 4am. and then i sleep like the dead. ive been getting up somewhere around 10 and noon. this isnt good. especially when i wake up and feel like i went on an all night bender. i swear i quit drinking almost a year ago. doesnt feel like it when i wake up. something is wrong and i cant put my finger on it. id almost give back the sleep ive gotten lately and gladly trade it for only sleeping a few hours a night, if that. at least i didnt feel like shit when i got up in the morning. *mumbles*

i feel...

sad. and i dont know why. i feel like i just lost my best friend. which is weird, because im pretty sure i still have all my friends, unless theres something i dont know yet. :\
*saturday, sunday, and monday were all pretty good days. i was feeling great. my migraine had finally kind of gone away for the most part, but was still lingering on. i hate that. but those were good days otherwise. as noted in a previous post, i even went to the movies. i was real proud of myself for 'going out', so to speak. tuesday was a living hell. i spent most of the day doubled over and/or curled up in bed. it was about a 30 on a 1-10 pain scale. i still dont know what was wrong. wednesday was much the same, though not quite as bad. today held slight improvement.
*anyway, today i went out to the school, as has become a habit of the past few thursdays. i really enjoy going out there and hanging out with the kids. i think they like me. in fact, some of them hugged me while i was there. and clung to me. which was a bit excessive, but i cant say i didnt enjoy it. it felt good to be hugged, even if it was tiny little kids doing it. im happy when im there, i guess im just glad i dont -have- to go out to the school. i go because i want to. and, in a small way, it kind of makes me feel good about myself. today i started reading them a book by Bill Wallace called "a dog called kitty". it was one of my favorites when i was their age. they seemed to enjoy it too.
*also, there was a new student. a red-haired boy with bright blue eyes. neat haircut. he was clean, and well-dressed. about as 'well dressed' as school uniforms can get. (background story: mom swears this kid is, for lack of a better explaination, 'dumber than a box of rocks', but those arent her exact words. she says hes really behind, and is at an incredibly low reading level.) while mom was out of the room, he turned to me and asked me if he could come talk to me, to ask me a question. he sounds like a really bright young man, for a nine year old (or perhaps eight). i told him 'sure, come here.' so he did, he brings his paper and his pencil, stares up into my eyes and tells me, quietly, that he doesnt understand the assignment. not that i blame him, because im three times his age and it was confusing as hell to me too. i hate the way textbooks 'teach' things these days. anyway, i helped him with the first one, it was an english assignment, i even drew arrows on how he was supposed do it. something clicked, and he quickly lit up, you could see the happiness and excitement in his eyes. he "got it" and was really amazed, because it made sense now... with the help of a couple of arrows. he thanked me, then went back to his desk and finished up the paper and went to turn it in. when he passed me, he whispered in my ear, 'thanks, that really helped. all i needed was a push.' turns out that that's all it took. i wanted to cry, i was so happy for him. im going to take bets and say that hes probably a visual learner, and probably (which im almost sure of) hes a slow reader and maybe he needs glasses or is dyslexic.
*later, he asked me if i could take him to the school library, because he was new and had never been. we walked down to the library and talked to the librarian. he wasnt in the computer system yet, so he was kind of sad, but then lit up like a christmas tree when she told him that he could check out books anyway and she'd just write them down and enter them later when she set his account up. he beamed, seriously. it turns out that though hes in the third grade, he reads at a first grade level, and he reads quite slowly at that, but he says he loves reading. im glad that he tries. some kids dont. i see so much potential in him, its sitting right on the surface. i know he needs help, but he cant get it, because the school district hasnt tested him to see if he needs special education classes yet. to me, it would seem obvious that he does, especially with reading. i hope, that with some extra help, isaac can get to where he needs to be. or at least closer than he is now. hes such a sweet little guy. there IS a spark there, it just needs a little bit more kindling to turn into a fire.
*and on that note id like to throw my two cents in on what i think about president bush's No Child Left Behind. its a crock of shit. NCLB leaves EVERY child behind. the ones that need help arent getting it, and the ones that dont are being dragged down by the ones that do.

September 18, 2006


i feel... i feel. i feel like a deflated balloon. all hopes were dashed this evening regarding the new job i was supposed to be getting. i feel absolutely rotten, and lousy. in fact, this is the worst ive felt in -days-. seriously. as if things couldnt get any worse, the one thing id been holding onto, hoping for, came crashing out from under me like ... i dont know, i feel like i just watched a trainwreck... and the train is my life.
*i went to hastings to go visit stink and take her dinner. while i was there, i ran into beth, who is one of my former client's daytime staff. she works with trish, who has been doing everything she could to get the self directed waiver up and running in our state. so much for that. i talk with beth for awhile and ask how everyone is doing, they're fine, but she's having surgery on wednesday. chatted a bit. then i asked how things were coming for the SDW. the look on her face said it all, it was like a cloud washed over her, and i could tell she didnt want to be the one to break the news to me, but she couldnt very well deny it. she told me the state's decided to push it back for another year. she didnt say why. i was, for lack of a better description, devastated. i felt bad cornering her like that, but there was no other way. i wonder if anyone was going to tell me...
*so we finish up the conversation, beth turns to leave, and i move on, thinking about it. just thinking. we left hastings and went to officemax because my mom needed a shredder. thats when it really hit. i nearly burst into tears right in the middle of the store. i feel horrible. ive been holding onto this hope, this thought of something new, the new beginnings, the good things that were going to come of this new waiver. and now i think, what do i have left? ive been holding on for almost two months, only to have my hopes dashed in thirty seconds. ive been waiting. ive turned down other job offers because i was waiting on this. i just cant believe it. i cant believe its happened, or not happened, so to speak. so now, im at a loss. i dont know what to do. ive wanted this -so- bad. and now, now there is nothing.

September 17, 2006

the black dahlia

[21:17] You never know when extracting the iconometric elements and triaxilating a recursion matrix will come in handy. narf!
[21:18] you also never know when finding a comfortable seat in the theater will either make or break a perfect night.

so i went to see the black dahlia this evening with a couple of other people (who are bigger than me). it was an awesome movie. quite wicked. interesting storyline. good characters, unique. the movie would have been absolutely perfect, definitely my type of movie, except we got to the theater just as the movie was starting. friday was opening night. most all of the good seats were taken, and of course, i got to sit in the middle. two hours spent in incredibly uncomfortable positions:
*with my arms wrapped around myself and my legs squished together and bunched up underneath my chin
*or leaning forward with my elbows on my thighs and my head resting on my hands.
ive ridden in airplanes more comfortable than that, sadly enough. being incredibly tall does have its drawbacks. anyway, the movie was great and i enjoyed it immensely. there was even a scene in there where a guy fell from several stories up and landed in a not a very good place (i wont go into details because that would ruin it) but while the other moviegoers collectively gasped, i exclaimed 'oh my god!' in a very surprised voice. it was like youre standing on a street corner and see a family walking across the street and a semi comes out of nowhere and hits them, that quick fleeting thought of "HOLY SHIT I CANT BELIEVE I JUST SAW THAT HAPPEN!" pops out, without a second thought.
so yeah, im proud of myself. this is the first time in the six weeks ive not been working where ive actually left the house with the intent of going out to have a good time and/or meet up with others (with the exception of the baby shower in early august). i called monica and three of us went to the theater, then we went out to eat at a moderately nice restaurant, and then went home. it was a good night, with the exception of being incredibly uncomfortable in the theater. must remember next time to show up 15 minutes or so before the movie starts. not that i get out much anyway, but ive been wanting to see this one for awhile. im thinking next weekend, i might go see flyboys. i like 'war' movies. also thinking of going to see man of the year, when it comes to theater.

September 15, 2006


reminiscent thought for the day:
* i still wear clothes i wore more than five years ago... some of them for almost ten.
** i still have the same shoes i wore when i was twelve. and i still wear them. im almost twenty-five.

September 14, 2006

adrian and aaliyah

today i went out to my mom's classroom. because its thursday. i live for thursdays. anyway... i said before, my mom's a teacher. i go out on thursday's to her school to volunteer with the kids. normally i hate kids, especially small ones, but these, i cant help but love. i think they like me. they seem to be responding to me.
i went with mom out onto the playground, where we watched the kids have recess before lunch (this is weird, ive never heard of recess -before- lunch). and one of the girls, aaliyah (who is the daughter of a longtime friend of mine - i talked about her last week i think) was walking to some other girls. this bigger boy was running after a ball and knocked her down -hard-. he didnt mean it. he didnt even see her. so, she was kind of banged up. this girl is so tiny. i swear she probably weighs ~40lbs., if that. he took her out completely, but not intentionally. she was bawling, i wanted to pick her up and carry her inside. sadly though, no one is allowed to touch the students unless the student initiates it. i guess this is mostly for sexual harassment prevention. she clung to me. we went inside to the restroom and got her cleaned up. i still wanted to carry her though, some crappy ass maternal instinct kicked in when i saw she was hurt. i hate those feelings.
after lunch, i hung out in the room some more. i taught the english and the social studies lessons for today. its kind of nice. i almost miss teaching, but not enough to become an actual teacher. besides, i already said, i dont like little kids. but they like me, and this is ... scary. theres this little boy, adrian. he sits and does nothing, plays with stuff to avoid doing work. you could say hes the class troublemaker. every class has one. i feel bad for adrian. i think he is too smart for his own good. he is the one that gets to sit right at the front of the room, right next to where mom teaches from, presumably for her to keep an eye on him. he needs a lot of redirection. anyway, he was playing with his eraser instead of doing his work, so i leaned over and asked him what was wrong. he said it was boring, that they already knew what nouns are, why do they have to keep relearning it? i told him that i understood completely. i know exactly how he feels. he says 'ive had detention every day since august.' and i asked him why, to which he replied 'because i hate doing my work, its boring. so i dont do it. then i have to go to detention. i have to miss recess.' i just looked at him. and then i told him that he was probably too smart for his own good, and thats why he was bored. he then told me that science is his favorite subject. he said if he could do only science, he would get all his work done. this kid totally has a passion for science. he reminds me of me, angry and passionate. we talked for a little bit more, and i was telling him how everything else, all the other subjects like english and math, could be tied into science, how they all fit together and you couldnt have one without the other. it seemed like he understood. whatever it is that i did, for the next hour that i was there, he worked earnestly, even when no adults were near him. i told mom that perhaps he'd get better as time went on. maybe if i work with him a little more... maybe, just maybe, he wouldnt be so bored. adrian thought it was awesome when i told him that i used to belong to a science club, he said he wanted to join one too. i told him to hold out for middle school, and then join science olympiad. mom invited me to teach the science classes next week, im seriously thinking about it (she hates science, i love it).

September 11, 2006

ugly little skanks...

went to go see my sister tonight while she was working. mom and i were taking her dinner because she's closing up the cafe tonight. when we walked in, there were two girls sitting on the couch, probably about 14-15 years old. they were dressed like preppy little skanks. one of them was wearing a paris hilton style skirt, you know the kind, where the girl's ass is hanging out the back of it. it was gross. anyway, we waited and waited. the girls got up and one went outside. the skirt decided she was going too - right along with the two cd's she hadn't paid for. i was livid. good thing the alarm went off on her, or she probably would have kept going. so, then they went to sit back down. half an hour later, they decided they wanted to order something. the skirt orders. she wants a frozen drink. frozen drinks take forever. i was standing behind them because i wanted an italian soda. she gets it. makes a rude comment. stink rings it up. the skirt says 'oh, you didnt ring up the cd's. duh!' so stink rings them up too. the skirt complains about the price and whines to her friend a bit. then the other one decides SHE wants to order - the same beverage. she couldnt be bothered to tell stink when the first one ordered. that would have made stink's job too easy. the skirt turns to her equally whorish friend and says 'ya know, if that girl wasnt so fat, she would probably work a lot faster.' this was in addition to several other snotty little comments about the service my sister was giving them. so i leaned forward between them and said something along the lines of 'listen up you anorexic little bitch, she's doing a good job and youre the idiot. if you dont like the service you get when youre rude to the person serving you, dont come back. you can also stop making your snide little comments or i will dropkick your fucking little ass right here, right now.' they turned around and looked at me in awe. i towered over them by a good 8 inches, and outweighed them by more than a few pounds. they started to mouth off and i said, 'that is my sister, AND my best friend. youd better watch what you say, especially when you dont know who's listening.' afterwards, they quickly left. stink wanted to know what i said to them, i told her. she thought it was funny. she was about to kick them out of the store.


my dad has called twice in the last week. most of you know how strange that is for me. my dad never calls. he even came over yesterday because he was worried about me. ive been sick a lot lately. today he called again. we talked for almost half an hour. he wants to buy a new laptop. we went over specs and stuff. maybe he'll get something decent. :P

also, the lawnmower fairy came today. someone, probably my cousins, come by every now and then and mow my yard. this is good because i dont have a lawnmower.

september eleventh

** today is the five year anniversary of the 9-11 attacks. i hate saying anniversary because that word brings to mind happiness, joy, and all things good. an anniversary is supposed to be a happy day to remember. this is not. a lot has changed in the past five years. the way we travel, the way we think. i remember where i was five years ago, when i first heard. the schoolday was just starting, i was still asleep. my mom, a fifth grade teacher at the time, was getting her students ready to start the day. the morning news was on in their classroom, a project meant to bring world events to children, most of them who didnt have television. she watched as the first broadcast of the first plane hit the world trade center. she called me from her cellphone. i made it out to the school in time to watch the second plane hit. it was devastating. im sure most americans felt the same.
** i remember watching her students and their various reactions. some of them in awe, some crying, and some, sadly enough, laughing. it made me sick. i asked why they were laughing, they said that it was just like a video game. they thought it was fake. i only wish it was. i remember being mad, angry at them. i asked them if they thought people dying was funny, being murdered. some of them didnt care, most got a clue.
** i remember several friends immediately joining the armed forces. mostly i remember sandra. she was the only female friend i knew who joined up. she made it back. some of my friends havent. i dont know if they ever will. i miss them, and i hope they're ok.
** so, here's to those who died that day, and to those who have died serving their country. may you and your families be blessed, and know that your loved ones have not died in vain.
** i will always remember; it would hurt too much to forget.

September 07, 2006

i feel old

my mom teaches 3rd grade at one of the local elementary schools. the kids are 8-9 years old. today i went to go 'volunteer' in her classroom. i wanted to go read to them. she had to go test some of her students so she'd gotten a substitute teacher. i stayed anyway and ended up teaching the social studies lesson and a couple of word worksheets (long/short vowel sounds and syllables). the sub sucked. she just stood there. didnt even say anything to the kids. she didnt even tell them OR me her name. anway... while i was talking with the kids after their work was done, one of them asked me how old i am. i told her that i was 'three times her age'. she said, 'oh, youre 24. my mom is 24.' then i had a heart attack. even sadder, i went to school from 7th-12th with her mom.

September 06, 2006

for the record--

lets clear up something real quick. the 'orange' attitude jokes (gimpi!) are funny. i also, however, want to stipulate that i didnt really want that job at hastings. there are only three reasons why i applied in the first place.
1- so i would have something to do. i hate not working. i also hate waiting around for someone to say 'ok, we got our shit together. we're ready to do this new waiver now. come be our consultant.'
2- so i could spend some more time with my sister (how lame is that.)
3- because the discounts kick ass. (also a lousy excuse because i could just have stink buy the stuff i want and then pay her back. 50% discount = awesome.)

hurricanes in new mexico

so it really wasnt a hurricane, but it was. hurricane john hit mexico, mostly baja... but the storm reached here (roswell). and also flooded some of our neighboring communities. was crazy, the last half of july and the first half of august was pretty much straight rain for 6 weeks. i finally got my lawn mowed thursday and it starts raining... it rained from friday evening until late monday night. we got a lot of rainfall. it was awesome. in fact it was so bleak and dreary, it was almost like being in seattle. i wore long sleeved shirts the whole time (granted i was sick too, but still). im not used to the high being 65F in september. almost drug out my turtlenecks. probably i should do that anyway, winter is coming, and from the weather ive seen lately, looks like this is gonna be a cold one. also, i need to get the lawn mowed again... already.


**i wasnt aware that one could -fail- a personality test. apparently one can. and if anyone can, that person would be me. when i applied for a job at hastings (the music/movies/books/coffee shop my sister works at) they make you take a personality test as part of the application process. it was ~100-150 questions. i did this a couple weeks ago. i never heard back. stink tells me that the head manager got fired. i figured that they were waiting on a replacement before hiring new people. i was wrong. today mom and i went to take stink some food. she was telling us that tonight is the first night they've had a full crew in a couple of weeks. mom says 'well, they could hire your sister.' stink looks over at me and says 'no. no they cant.' we just look at her. she tells me that they cant hire me because i failed the personality test. they have red, yellow, and green. they only hire green people. im somewhere hovering around orange. this was funny. then she tells me two more people get fired. one who i know. i couldnt help but laugh that they would hire someone like her, but not even give me an interview. she used to work at DSLM where i worked. she quit after 5 weeks claiming that it was 'just too hard to deal with'. turns out she got fired from hastings for stealing. funny that her husband is a corrections officer, even funnier that she left DSLM to go work for CYFD (children, youth and families division)... how lame.
**anyway, i cant believe i failed the personality test. its sad, but funny at the same time. my baby sister is -just like me- though we both hate to admit it. she -really really- takes after me. im glad she has a job and im glad she likes what she does. i cant fault her for that. mom wonders why they would hire her but not me. i tell her what i know from my HR/Mgmt courses (that ive got a bachelors/4 year degree in) that the reason they would hire her over me is because she is still young and doesnt have a lot of work experience, compared to me. they want people who will conform to their ways and the things they want done. they want someone pliable. stink is a good worker, but im sorry, if i was hiring people, i would hire reliable over pliable. mostly hastings hires teenagers and young adults (she's almost 19). most 'kids' arent reliable. then again, in these days, who is? mom and i are driving out of the parking lot on our way back to the cave.. she still cant believe they wouldnt even interview me. i look at her and tell her 'ya know, the sad thing is... i faked most of my answers. i could have been a whole lot more opinionated than i was. if i'd answered truthfully, i wouldnt be yellow, i wouldnt be red, id be a hot white flame...'

being sick

this is the much shortened version of the blog entry i was making when firefox decided to crash and close all on its own:
**i have a lump on my neck. its been there for six months. two weeks ago i went to the doctor. he thought it was an abcessed hair follicle (ingrown hair) or a blocked sebaceous gland (hair oil stuff) but it turns out it wasnt. he numbed it and put some iodine. stuck a needle in it, tried to drain it. he was unsuccessful. my stepmom was in there with me, because she works for him and made the appointment for me and i invited her to come in just so people wouldnt think i was making this up... when i went to the doctor, it was the size of a quarter, shaped like a large bean, and was about 1/2" thick. it was painful. my neck was stiff and it hurt to move it. anyway. he said he couldnt get anything out of it. she asked what it was, he said it was probably something wrong with one of my lymph nodes. he put me on an antibiotic called "sulfa". turns out im allergic to it. finding out the hard way was almost as bad as the lump itself. this was thursday. i started taking the antibiotic and by saturday evening my whole body had broken out in a rash, my entire neck was covered in hives. this was bad. about as bad as finding out that im allergic to latex the hard way... but on with the story. i called my dad and he told me to take some benadryl and pepcid until the rashes went away. on monday the doctors office called in a new prescription. it hasnt done me a bit of good. thanks to the sulfa, the lump went down to the size of a pea... it hasnt gotten any smaller since i changed meds.

**already i have a compromised immune system, because of some of my medications and cancer and treatments. ive never had a good immune system. somehow in all of this, ive managed to get myself sick. last friday i started feeling awful. i just spent the last few days practically bedridden with a temp that got up to 102F (39C). i finally started feeling like a human again earlier this afternoon.

fuck you firefox

i had a really awesome (and long) post here, but fucking firefox crashed and i lost it all. im about to go back to using JUST internet exploder. firefox crashes on me at least 3 times a day. this didnt happen until i updated to so i reverted back to it doesnt crash as often, but obviously its still crashing. again... fuck you firefox.