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devastation, depression, and shock

this morning i decided i was going to be late. on purpose. i got to the office about 9am. i went in, sat around and did nothing for about two hours, did a couple of packets, faxed one to blue cross and mailed the other (it was too big to fax). then i looked at the third file i wanted to get done today. i got a call from esperanza, and was invited to the 'july birthday' (they do a party every month for their clients and staff that have a birthday that month). so monica and i went at noon, we left at 330 and went back to the office. i had a great time, visited with almost all my clients from there, talked to some of the guardians. when i got back to the office, there was a note for me on the board "Nic, FOC in your box." (an FOC is a 'freedom of choice' letter to change agencies for a particular service, this one being case management.) i was expecting FOC's so we can transition clients to the new agency, they were mailed out yesterday. i didnt expect it to be so soon. i looked in my box, and it was for the client i least wanted to transition. ive worked so hard with him, and his life has made a 100% turnaround. im so proud of him. hes like a brother to me. we have similar backgrounds in life. similar shortcomings, similar difficulties. im five months older than him to the day. i took it to monica and showed her who it was for, and then i burst into tears. im absolutely devastated. i cant begin to describe my sadness. this is so depressing. its absolutely awful. this is the last thing i wanted to face, but here it is, staring at me. it wont go away. i cant remember the last time i was so sad. i immediately went and hid in my office, in the dark, and cried for almost an hour. im literally sick over this. i havent slept but a few hours for the past week and a half. i feel like i just cant take it anymore. this was all such a shock. i mean, ive been hearing things from what i consider a trusted source, for six months now... i just didnt expect it to be so soon.

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