Sinful

the lyrics to this song are very meaningful to me right now...

Artist: Snow Patrol
Song: Chocolate Lyrics

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

--ive felt pretty dead lately. see recent blog posts. the providers ive worked with for the past 11 months *do* feel like home. im comfortable with them. im going to miss my clients very badly. we've been through some great times and some really hard times as well. i couldnt be more proud of them, but sometimes i feel like i didnt make a difference at all.

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

--yeah, sometimes i hate my name. i also feel like im starting all over again what with all the changes in my life recently. and also, im not 25 for another 6 months.

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

--it does feel like the final straw, the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. i am sorry. im very sorry. its not my choice to abandon my people, but i enjoyed it while it lasted.

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

--i dont think i need to explain this. you guys are smart enough to get the point. but on another note and completely different subject, i feel like this about my job too, my clients. its been my entire life for almost a year now. but now my judgement is so clouded, i cant even think straight.

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

--its true, i did see this all coming. i knew my company was closing back in december, but i didnt think it would happen this soon. otherwise, this could apply to something else, perhaps even a couple years in the making. im being cryptic here.

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

--its too late to do anything about it. i cant stop it from happening. perhaps mistakes were made on my part. maybe i shouldnt be so attached. id do anything to keep my clients but there is no 'this time'.