disappointment
i feel... i feel. i feel like a deflated balloon. all hopes were dashed this evening regarding the new job i was supposed to be getting. i feel absolutely rotten, and lousy. in fact, this is the worst ive felt in -days-. seriously. as if things couldnt get any worse, the one thing id been holding onto, hoping for, came crashing out from under me like ... i dont know, i feel like i just watched a trainwreck... and the train is my life.
*i went to hastings to go visit stink and take her dinner. while i was there, i ran into beth, who is one of my former client's daytime staff. she works with trish, who has been doing everything she could to get the self directed waiver up and running in our state. so much for that. i talk with beth for awhile and ask how everyone is doing, they're fine, but she's having surgery on wednesday. chatted a bit. then i asked how things were coming for the SDW. the look on her face said it all, it was like a cloud washed over her, and i could tell she didnt want to be the one to break the news to me, but she couldnt very well deny it. she told me the state's decided to push it back for another year. she didnt say why. i was, for lack of a better description, devastated. i felt bad cornering her like that, but there was no other way. i wonder if anyone was going to tell me...
*so we finish up the conversation, beth turns to leave, and i move on, thinking about it. just thinking. we left hastings and went to officemax because my mom needed a shredder. thats when it really hit. i nearly burst into tears right in the middle of the store. i feel horrible. ive been holding onto this hope, this thought of something new, the new beginnings, the good things that were going to come of this new waiver. and now i think, what do i have left? ive been holding on for almost two months, only to have my hopes dashed in thirty seconds. ive been waiting. ive turned down other job offers because i was waiting on this. i just cant believe it. i cant believe its happened, or not happened, so to speak. so now, im at a loss. i dont know what to do. ive wanted this -so- bad. and now, now there is nothing.