Sinful

again, its been awhile since i sat down and wrote something with some actual meaning. its been a long few months, and i can honestly say that they havent necessarily good ones. at the risk of sounding pathetic and sorry for myself, ill explain.

so my dad dies in a plane crash, anyone reading this would know that already. i miss my dad greatly and no matter what i do or wish or beg, nothing will bring him back. nothing. ever. finii. this was even moreso evident last week when i really needed him. nobody can take the place of your parents, those that do are but mere substitutes for the real thing. nobody can, nor would i allow them to, replace or be a substitute for my dad.

i got very.... uh... incredibly sick last week, nine days ago, actually. i had a flu shot. and yes, i know, they do not inject you with active flu. i reacted anyway. within a couple of hours, i couldnt keep anything down - liquid or solid. that continued through the weekend. monday afternoon, i went to the doctor. she gave me the option of being forced into a hospital admission - involuntarily, or i could stay at home under house arrest and have no human physical contact until they knew what was wrong with me. she gave me a couple of possibilities, and neither of them were very good... .

so... they did bloodwork and 'other' labs and xrays of my abdomen on tuesday. and on my way home, it really hit. i started thinking 'i should call dad.' then i realized that it was a failed conscious memory... i cant call my dad. i dont have one anymore. and then i went ballistic. 'what am i going to do? who's going to fix this? i dont even have anyone i can talk to who would understand...' and reality really set in. i spent most of the week feeling sorry for myself, and sad, and scared, and upset. and lost and alone and lonely.and then, it still didnt make me feel any better.

then i went back friday for the follow up visit to find out the test results. they werent good. something bad is wrong. it was one of the not-so-great possibilities that she had told me about on monday.i go back in two weeks for fresh labwork and another visit to see if maybe these test results were bogus or off in some way. until then, im not going to say anything else about it. not even what it is, until i know for sure. we'll let it suffice to say that this 'diagnosis' explains a lot of things... being constantly exhausted, feeling like shit all the time, rapdi-significant-major weight loss (ive lost 53lbs since june 19), difficulty sleeping, headaches, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, loss of appetite. it all makes sense now. at least to me... and my mom. (im so glad i at least have my mom to talk to. she may not know anything about medical stuff, but shes good at research. - thanks mom!)