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two weeks

It's been two weeks. Nothing's really changed. I still feel like my world has been turned upside down and broken beyond repair. It's hard to move on. I keep thinking that I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll heal. I'll cope. I wake up and things are still the same. I miss my dad. I miss him -so- much. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He was always there, even if sometimes it didn't seem like it. I've mentioned before, we were always too busy. There wasn't time. Now there isn't any time at all, and I'm left feeling empty and alone. I know I'm not alone. I have a great family. Awesome friends. A wonderful support system. But it doesn't change anything and it doesn't make me feel any better. Pretty much my entire support system took the same hit I did, and they're feeling the same way I do. In their own ways. They're moving on, they're beginning to cope. I wish I was that lucky.

I feel like complete and total shit. Every time I needed my dad, he was always there for me. When I was sick, when I was broken, he was always there to fix me, whatever the problem was. Who's going to fix me now? Who will I call in the middle of the night when I'm sick as a dog? Probably anybody... but it won't be the same. Nobody can fill that void. Those shoes are too big for any one person to step in to. That's one other thing that simply can't be done.

The last time I talked to my dad was on July 17, nearly three weeks before he died.

I got really sick again the Friday before he left us. That Sunday was the worst day (medical-wise) I had in nearly six years. I was so, so, so sick. I decided that I was going to call him. I never got the chance. I got the call instead.

People always talk about finding closure when they lose someone. I don't think I'll ever find closure. I lost nine years of my dad's life. Now I've lost a lifetime. How can I ever forgive myself for the things I didn't do? Things that, now, can't be done. Words left unsaid, trips not taken, missed get-togethers, un-returned calls. We were both guilty of that, but I'm the one left with the consequences. Can't say its entirely our fault, because someone else had a big hand in this. One day, she'll pay for what she's done.

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