Sinful

**i dont know why i even try anymore. today was a bad day. im an emotional basketcase. and its all your fault. let me start at the beginning. (also, i apologize. someone harassed me a couple days ago about not blogging in over a week, when id 'been doing so well'... heres an incredibly long post to make up for it. im apologizing for the length.)

**i lost my job on july 31 (monday). while i expected it, it still sucked. i went to work that day with all the best intentions. i fought until the bitter end. i didnt want to leave. i sat there, i called people. i put my casenotes in. i was even nice to my coworkers. trust me, that was really hard to do. i did everything i was supposed to, just like a normal day. and then i walked out. i didnt look back and i quit caring. it hurt more than i can ever say out loud. there is a hole in my life. something is missing. theres nothing that can fill it right now, nothing that can fix it. no one can undo what was done and how that place made me feel. i hurt. i still hurt, a week and a half later. i will probably always hurt. im going to try not to be bitter.

**i got my new computer on tuesday. it was awesome. for about 3 minutes. then it practically blew up. something was wrong with the fan. it sounded like a jet trying to take off in the living room. was awful. i called dell and their tech support guy was very thorough. we did some simple diagnostics crap. turned it on and off about 5 times. it ran fine. i went to bed, woke up on wednesday morning and it sounded like the jet again. i called them back. they're sending me a new one.

**two days after being canned (wednesday), i had to go back to the office for a meeting with the 'crisis response team' from the department of labor. a lot of good that did me. i got to sit through two and a half hours of hearing all the programs the state makes available to everyone -but- me. i dont have kids. most of the programs are for people with families, people they take care of. that doesnt hold for me. i qualify for unemployment, but theres about a thousand hoops i have to jump through to get it. i left the meeting with a complete loss. it was a waste of my time. i got nothing out of it but a stack of paper that means nothing to me. it wont do me any good, and none of it will help.
**i went home, and like any good little loser, i went and logged onto the department of labor website, just like they told me to. i went to register, only to find out that the bullshit form i have to fill out doesnt have the shit on there that i need in order to qualify. it doesnt have a job description that even remotely resembles what i used to do at my old job. this was a real fucking bummer. i was pissed. i looked all over the damn form, and then i gave up. i flipped it off and then let out a string of colorful profanities and then i closed the browser window. it would probably behoof them to let people fill in blanks instead of use dropdown menus for everything. lazyasses. i guess its too hard for them to actually sit down and read the applications. :\

**thursday i took the bat to the doctor for her eye checkup. everything is good.

**on friday, i took the bat to her other eye surgery. now that the cateracts are removed, she can see much, much better. she now wears those cute little over the counter reading glasses. its amazing how much her vision has improved with two simple little surgeries. i got my new computer, to replace the one that was broken tha ti just got. also...monica and i went shopping for a baby shower for a couple therapists we used to work with. they're having a baby girl. im sure everything will go well. the baby is lucky. her parents are the epitome of a perfect couple. they're smart. they're good looking. they're healthy. they're happy. they're the all-american perfect couple. like, a true barbie and ken. im happy for them, but i cant help but be a tad bit jealous.

**saturday was the baby shower. it went as all showers go. there were cutesy little things everywhere, and all kinds of neat baby gifts. it was great. i cant say i went to it without intent to serve some of my own purposes though. two mothers of some former clients of mine were the ones throwing the shower. theyre supposed to be going to a new program by the state, something called 'mi via' which means 'my life' in spanish. its a really neat concept. basically, from what i understand, the state gives them their money for waiver services, and from there, they contract out and pay for the services their person receives. this includes therapies, day programs, and even case management. these two women have talked to me about private contracting/consulting for them. i would love to do it. almost more than anything. one of the mothers told me i needed to go to a meeting on saturday to find out more about this new waiver program. she gave me the time, place, etc, info. looks like ill be spending a couple hours of my saturday afternoon checking on a job. probably this is a good thing.

**i got my new computer set up (finally) on sunday. it works beautifully. everything is great and running well. the thing i hate most about new computers is that you have to load everything back onto them, so you have 'the good stuff' from your old computer. and then, when you touch your old computer, it doesnt feel right because youve gotten used to the new one. its weird.

**i have a water leak in my house. i opened up my water bill, which is normally $27, only to discover that it was $88. needless to say, i had a heart attack. i looked and looked and looked and looked. i have a water leak between the bathrooms. i spent all day yesterday (wednesday) on the phone with the insurance company and looking for a plumber. no one called me back.

**today, i finally got ahold of a plumber, and the insurance adjuster called me back. she'll be out on monday. she told me to save all my receipts. 'just in case i wanted to file a claim'. bah. fuckers. you pay how many hundreds of dollars every year for something, and then when you need it, they tell you no? crock. the plumber will be here in the morning. thats the soonest anyone can come.

**i also got incredibly sad today. and right around the same time, i saw two of my online friends talking about something in a way that utterly disgusted me. it was repulsive. it made me mad and it hurt my feelings. i know neither of them meant to, but they still hurt me. it hurts all the same, even if they werent talking about me specifically. one left before i said anything. it hurt me bad enough to see them talk that way that i had to get up and leave. i cried, because as i said earlier, im an emotional basketcase. theres too much running though my head right now. too many emotions, too many feelings. all of them conflicting.

**and then i got in a fight with my grandma. (makes me look real good, doesnt it.) i came over to her house this evening. my mom called, she wanted to know if i wanted to go see my sister at work. i didnt. grandma did. we hung up. i said to the bat, 'ill be glad when stink goes to school.' (she starts college at the end of the month.) the bat asked me why. i told her that i missed homework. she said "why dont you go back to school? since youre not working, you ought to at least be doing something." i told her i'd like to. i miss school. i want to go back. she asked me what i wanted to do. i told her i wanted to either get my MBA or go to law school and get my law degree. then, in a hateful voice, she says "what would you do with those, why not do something worthwhile. its not like you can actually do either. youve got to dress the part. wear heels, hose, skirts." thanks for dashing my hopes... she says "you cant seem to dress up. youd never make it in that world. you cant play the part. you wont dress it. youve got to make some sacrifices. look at you, you throw a fit when you hear people eat." (thats because they eat like pigs and have no manners. im sorry i got smacked around and/or yelled at when i made noise at the table. i cant help being the way i am.) i asked her what she thought i should do and she tells me i should go back to the medical field. go be a teacher. i dont really want to do either and i tell her so. 'ive already done the medical thing. remember, one of my good friends was murdered on a call the day after i got my EMS license. every time i hear a siren. see an ambulance. drive past the street where he was killed. go to the hospital.... i think of steve. i think about him every day. steve was a good man. he was murdered trying to save someone's life. hell of a way to go. i cant do it anymore.' (and seriously, thats when i *did* give up. i finished out that semester and never went back.) i told her that i couldnt be a teacher. i cant handle kids. maybe she liked being a first grade teacher for 30 years, but thats not for me. the bat was hateful, she said mean things. then she walked out the door to go get my mom. as she was leaving, i said 'thanks for making me feel good about myself'. she yelled 'WHAT" at me, and so i repeated it louder. she slammed the door when she left.

**what's really pathetic... i called my mom when the bat left to tell on her. to tell my mom that the bat had been mean to me. that's sad. "im telling mom!" how lame is that?