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Closet Forums > General Bullshitza > Random Thoughts and Ramblings

Your feelings

1. Are you overreacting because you're tired and stressed?
1 - no, im not tired or stressed, im anxious. anxiety sucks.
2. Could the anger you feel be at someone or something else?
2 - yes, because some people are just plain stupid
3. Are you hormonal at the moment and feeling unusually irritable or sensitive?
3 - no, i dont have hormones. im on hormone suppressants. maybe thats why im irritable.
4. Is your mood being affected by illness?
4 - yes, i have cancer. i think cancer affects everyone's moods.

Your partner's feelings

1. Could your partner be overreacting because they're tired or stressed?
1 - i dont know, you'd have to ask him.
2. Do you know that they're currently feeling angry about something else?
2- again, ask him
3. Is your partner either struggling with health issues or being affected by hormonal changes?
3 - probably.

Your conscience

1. Are you feeling defensive about what your partner has said or done because you feel guilty?
1 - i dont fight with my partner. i fight with everyone. i dont feel guilty. but i do fight over what other people say. some people just plain suck.
2. Could you be feeling defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry?
2 - im always defensive, usually for good reason... but i do say im sorry (and mean it) when i do something i truly regret
3. Are you bearing a grudge against your partner for something you need to let go of?
3 - no.
4. If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you? (See What are you really arguing about?)
4 - last time i did that, something bad happened. and yes, it was the main thing that was bothering me (all pain and illness aside). i was truly bothered by the situation. i said something about it. everything went to hell from there.
5. If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure it's worth risking a potential argument?
5 - i would hope so. but sometimes im wrong. (yeah, you read that right... SOMETIMES IM WRONG!)
6. If you're going to raise this issue, are you using the guidelines in Productive arguing?
6 - i have no idea what the fuck that is, but ok...
i found out what Productive arguing is:

These tips from Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall can help stop your arguments becoming destructive and painful.

Differences of opinion are normal and healthy in adult relationships and learning to compromise is a skill required in many areas of life. You might want to print out this page and pin it to your notice board to remind you both whenever a disagreement arises.

Before trying this exercise it's worth having a look at the Guidelines for exercises.

1. Stick to the issue in hand - don't bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you've been meaning to say.

2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.

3. Start sentences with "I" - for example, "I felt annoyed when you..." rather than "You annoyed me when..." And "I would like to go out more often," not "We should go out more often."

4. Don't use absolutes - never say "never", "always", "should" or "shouldn't". They're irritating and often inaccurate. For example, "You never wash up" will almost certainly get a response of "What about when...?"

5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits - don't be tempted to bring in other people's opinions.

6. Try to stay sitting down, relax your muscles and don't forget to breathe - it's much easier to stay calm if you're not pacing around the room.

7. Don't start throwing abuse around - calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid isn't going to convince them to see your point of view.

8. Be aware of your feelings and tell your partner these as well - saying "I'm scared you don't love me anymore" is likely to get a better response than "You don't act like you love me."

9. Try not to block the conversation - don't interrupt, launch into a monologue or expect them to be a mind-reader.

10. Agree to a code word for time out - if one or both of you feels you're getting overheated it's best to take some time away from each other to calm down before going back to the disagreement.

Remember, who wins the argument is irrelevant if your relationship loses something. Always try to confront the issue - not each other.
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