,Dearest Redneck Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read
fast. We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address because the last
West Virgina family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to
change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them
since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle
Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the
mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me
and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an
aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off
and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three
days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom