Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks Options

[maxnmike]

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the
label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done
in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can
forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant
is a waste of money. 3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of
finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date. 2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago. 3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby & picked up as soon as the
movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund &
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though
uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop,
the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way. 3. Never
tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is not polite
to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling
in a funeral procession.