Hummmmm, maybe the forum post count is low/ nowhere is because the owner does not contribute. This could be a great place for folks if there were more participation. Some of us have tried, but where is the founder??? It's time to step up and prove this is the place to be for UN-TECH stuff. I've tried and never even get a responce to my posted jokes. In fact, no one does.....
I'm not gonna even mention the blog entries.

Bye for now.... I'll check in, maybe monthly. Maybe not.

Bet you didn't know this:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for
giving People a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

A woman, in her late fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you? The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care , what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old. The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her

>> >class, "Which human body part increases to ten times
>> >its size when stimulated?"
>> >
>> >No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily
>> >and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a
>> >question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
>> >they will go and tell the principal, who will then
>> >fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back
>> >down.
>> >
>> >Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again:
>> >"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
>> >stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said
>> >to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big
>> >trouble!"
>> >
>> >The teacher continued to ignore her and asked the
>> >class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked
>> >around nervously, and replied, "The body part that
>> >increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
>> >pupil of the eye."
>> >
>> >"Very good, Billy," said Mrs. Parks. Then, turning
>> >to Mary, she said: "As for you, young lady, I have
>> >three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two,
>> >you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you
>> >are going to be very, very disappointed!

But, you DO know there are people out there that buy it.

We had a treasurer of a chuch here that embezzled $80K sending it to Nigeria to earn his very large "inheritance".

It figures.... I ran over your mom because I was drunk.

Good deal on having dinner with them after so long. Have fun???

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if

They aren't

Prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney

Called his first

Witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand He

Approached her

And

Asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"



She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.

Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and

Frankly, you've



Been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your

Wife, you

Manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think

You're a

Big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never

Will amount to



Anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."



The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he

Pointed across

The

Room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense

Attorney?"



She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.

Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted,

And he has a

Drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with

Anyone and

His

Law practice is

One of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he

Cheated on his

Wife

With three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes,

I know him."



The defense attorney almost died.



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and

In a very

Quiet

Voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she

Knows me, I'll

Throw

Your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Dang! I have a shop and basement full of that stuff. You forgot to mention that 2-cycle engine that you use only once or twice a year. It takes longer to get the damn thing running than if you did it with an old hand tool.

No wonder no one plays in here...... Where is dan_cam420?

A woman went into a bar in Newfoundland and saw a Mountie with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

She asked him if it was true what they say about men with big feet.

The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady.

Why don't you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered.
Nobody ever paid me for my services before."

"Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots that fit."

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.



However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin,whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.



It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.



THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it !

A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
"NO baby talk!" "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding
them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[I love this]

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,

and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Whale of a tale

Hover your cursor over the pic.

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.
The
nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian,
white
baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two
Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.

A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

Inflatable Devices

A guy goes in an adult store in New York City,
and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer say"White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion
have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself
up."

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company
have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their
co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this
type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however; realize the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources

A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
"NO baby talk!" "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding
them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[I love this]

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,

and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

>> Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
>> Walk softly and carry a big carrot
>> Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
>> There's no such thing as too much candy
>> All work and no play can make you a basket case
>> A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
>> Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
>> Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
>> Some body parts should be floppy
>> Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
>> Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
>> The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
>> An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
>> To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
>> The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

holding her hat tight

so that it would not blow away in the wind.



A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward

but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?"



"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands

to hold onto this hat."



"But madam, you must know that you are

not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!"

said the gentleman in earnest.



The woman looked down,

then back up at the man

and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there

is 85 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap. As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant. "They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at FORD think of everything.!"

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see........where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

>
> Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
>
> Do you suffer from shyness?
> Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
> pharmacist about Tequila.
> Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
> yourself and your actions.
>
> Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
> that you're ready and willing to do
> just about anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
> regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
> from living the life you want to live.
> Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
> discover many talents! you never knew you had.
>
> Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
> Tequila may not be right for everyone.
> Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila.
>
> However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
> encouraged to try it.
> Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
> erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
> money, loss of virginity,delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
> dehydration, dry mouth,and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night
> rounds of Strip Poker,Truth Or Dare, and Naked
> Twister.
>
> Ask Your Doctor or Pharmacist.