I guess the most important thing (to me) right now is that last night the news reported information on the plane crash that killed my dad and four others almost a year ago. It’ll be a year on Tuesday. I can’t believe he's been gone that long and it still rips me up every single day that he isn’t here. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get past that, and this news was a devastating blow to me. I can’t imagine how the others feel... my friend Kelly called me last night while I was on my way home from a work trip out of town and my grandmas (I hadn’t been to my house yet and had stopped at the cave to hang out awhile). Kelly was watching the local/Albuquerque news last night and they reported that the plane crash was essentially the pilot's fault. They said that the national transportation safety bureau (NTSB) had found that Ricky had taken an antihistamine that day and it MAY have made him drowsy, thus causing the crash. full story is located here. id like everyone to know that in my heart Ricky was NEVER at fault and never will be, as far as me and MY family are concerned. We don’t even believe the crash was an accident, and instead believe that it was an act of divine intervention. Obviously, my dad, Deanna, Ricky, and the smith family were needed more somewhere else, instead of here, with us. And when I say MY family, I refer to my mom, my sister - stink, my grandma - the bat, and myself. There are others who don’t see it the way we do, of that I am quite sure. They are NOT my family, and I could give a shit what they think. My dad, Deanna, and Ricky died trying to save a child’s life; they died doing good, and that’s good enough for me.

Recently, my sister and I decided that in honor of our dad, we'll be making regular food donations to the local Humane Society and Animal Control. Dad didn't just save humans, he saved pets too. We thought "what better way to honor Dad than to start a 'legacy'" of sorts. If we had the money, we'd be doing more, but this is what we can do now, and it makes us feel good knowing that we're making a difference too. We've lost four pets since we lost Dad and we know in our hearts that Dad's taking care of them, wherever they are.

And in other news, I have quit my last job and now have another. I am now the proud owner of the title "New Mexico Department of Health Long Term Services/Developmental Disabilities Supports Division Southeast Regional Office Training Coordinator". Quite a mouthful, right? Thankfully, it can be shortened to "SERO Trainer", lol. I started there on June 30th. I consider myself very lucky. Both my bosses (one in our office and one in Las Cruces) are absolutely awesome to work for. All my co-workers and the others from the statewide training unit are great. It’s nice to work for a place that feels like family and know you have the support of everyone you work with. So far, I'm loving this job. Mostly, it's been paperwork and getting a feel for all my job responsibilities, because I'm not certified to train all the courses yet. Essentially, I'll be training people to do the jobs I used to do - the case management and services coordinator type stuff, and eventually some of the direct care stuff as well.

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST!! I'll *finally* be having my hysterectomy on Tuesday, to get rid of all the cancer and stuff. The chemo was pretty much a failure and things got a lot worse than I expected. I finished my last treatment the day after I came home from the MVP thing in Seattle. I was told that we'd set up a 4-6 MONTH timeline for the surgery at my one month chemo follow-up appointment (which was scheduled for early June). At the June appointment, I was told things didn't look so good and that it was being changed from 4-6 months to 4-6 WEEKS. The first surgery was scheduled for July15th, but I'd just started a new job so it got put off until August 5th. The one year anniversary of my dad's passing. At first, I was a little uncomfortable with it, but then thought to myself "What better way to do this, than to do it now and say 'Hey, Dad! Look! I'm finally getting it taken care of!'" I'll probably be making a place on the forums for Gimpi to keep people updated on how things are going. I'll be in the hospital 3-4 days and on bed rest for two weeks, at the least.

Anyway, I think that's enough catch-up for now. Hopefully, I'll find the time to keep things updated here instead of posting twice a year. :)

*poof*
goodbye!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

--in a movie i cannot remember the name of, this quote was attributed to W. E. B. DuBois... i find on the web, it was by a woman named Marianne Williamson. regardless of who this original thought belongs to, it is worth pondering, sharing, remembering. so, here's to all of you, give everything you can, even if you think there's nothing left. someday, somebody may surprise you, and point out the best things youve missed about yourself for way too long.

over the past few years, the naughtycloset family has pulled together when one of us is in need. its usually in the form of emotional support, but more than once, its pulling together to assist someone financially. we have, in the past, donated money to people at the drop of a hat, no questions asked. we just do it. thats the way we are.

closetmonsters are a different breed of people. if you're one of us, then you know how true that is. if you arent, maybe one day you will understand, but i doubt it.

previously, someone's distress was discussed privately, through an email, or by text message. sometimes, its even a phone call. someone who just needs to vent, to get things off their chest. most of the time, those are aimed toward me. then ive quietly approached gimpi, therock, or cyberdad. we'd discuss privately, gather donations in secret, and then make a semi-anonymous donation to the friend in need. i recently realized that there's a better way... that way takes too long, for me, at least. so i started questioning our methods and thought of a different option.

hence my newest idea.... i'll call it "feet". you'll soon understand why.

after discussing with several people who have contributed previously, and a couple who said 'i would have, had i known you guys were taking donations.' we have implemented a different way to accept donations. the contributers have given it their blessing, and we'll move forward now to how this will work.

last night, i set up an email address feet @ naughtycloset.com and a corresponding paypal account with the same address. this is in hopes that over time, those who have given previously, and those who would like to do so in the future, can send money at any time, day or night, throughout the year. a couple dollars here and there adds up over time, and means a lot to the person who needs it. sometimes, that little bit is all they have.

people who find themselves in need can request funds from the feet account. i'll discuss it with the other contributors and we'll take a vote. provided the person has good reasoning (and generally we know the person's situation anyway, since we support emotionally as well) and that there is enough funds in the account, we will send a donation to the person.

we hope to help people get back on their feet as soon as possible.

if you'd like to contribute, please donate to feet @ naughtycloset.com and help others 'get back on their feet'.

thanks,
nic

-note- since the forums post that was made less than ten hours ago, we have already received donations to the 'feet' account. isnt that great?!

i turned 25 in 2007. i had an 'ok' job working at a 'trendy' jewelry store. i didnt really care for my coworkers, though i grew to be rather close with a couple of them. through that job, i met my friend erika, who has become one of the most awesome people ive ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. id consider her my best friend (and yes, its ok to have more than one 'best' friend... i have several.) i got a promotion in that job. and while it had shit for pay there were really good benefits. i also met mara from carlsbad, though over time we grew apart. i thought once that i could trust her. now im pretty sure i was wrong. its quite possible (later in 2007) that mara had something to do with me losing that job. today i sit here and say "im glad i did". not many people get happy about being fired, but this loss opened up a much better employment opportunity to me.

i met new people, forgot most of them. could really give a crap. i nearly lost a good friend due to my brutal honesty. and his inability to be my friend when i needed him the most. im glad cory doesnt hate me anymore. (and yeah, G, admit it, you DID hate me for awhile.) and i am so glad you and gnimsh came down for spring break. that was a blast and we should do it again sometime.

our sibling-site 247fixes and our very own therock247uk received the microsoft mvp award for windows security. we have plans to fly out for the big hoopla in april. hold on to your hats guys, therock is comin to america! (and we're all scared.)

i got closer with my sister and my mom. unfortunately, that also changed. i havent seen my sister in over a week now. appears shes too good to hang out with her family. and she cant be bothered to answer our calls. that makes me sad. mom and i have become better friends. i can attribute that mostly to the loss of my dad. we needed someone to lean on, and we both found each other.

and as i mentioned above, i lost my dad this year. he was a flight nurse who died in the line of duty. i honestly cannot relate how much that hurts. how i wish things had been different and i know i cant go back and change them. if i had it to do all over again, i would... but it still wouldnt have prepared me for the heartache and misery i feel every day. theres nothing like waking up every morning feeling lost and dealing with the emotional upheaval every time someone mentions his name. or driving into the parking lot of work every morning and staring at the place my dad was working when the plane went down (my new office building is almost right next door to the roswell southwest medevac base.) i look over at their plane (a new one) nearly every day. and when i see it take off, i say a prayer that my friends there will make it back home safely. im pretty close with a couple of people that still work there. who knew and loved my dad probably as much as i did.

and then i got sick again. found that out two days before the crash. never got a chance to tell dad. still trying not to admit that its back and feels a bit worse than it did before. maybe some slight part of that is because of the emotional issues surrounding his death. the day my doctor released me to go back to work from bereavement leave, they fired me. whoop-ti-fucking-do. two days later i already had another job (which i absolutely love). a couple months later i found out my liver was failing. spent a week on my deathbed before they figured out that it was tylenol poisoning from the pain medication i was taking for the cancer stuff. (it was a pill with 10mg of hydrocodone to 650mg of acetaminophen - i was taking six pills a day minimum... when you stop to think about it, taking 5000mg of tylenol a day is not healthy for ANYBODY. this went on for nearly 3.5 years before we figured this out.) because of the long term poisoning, i will probably never recover full use of my liver. "at best" i have 50-70% normal liver function now. lovely thought, isnt it?

so the year in review was bad and good. im thankful for my family and for my 'real life' friends like erika, monica, kelly and jody, eli, chris, priscilla... a few others. and for my closet friends (you guys know how much i love yall, but im not gonna sit here and list all thirty-seven thousand of you).

and now my hopes for 2008...
i hope nobody dies. :) that's all.
(ok, there's one person id like to see dead, but its not nice to name names. :P)

Never say you’re happy when you’re sad.
Never say you’re ok when you’re not.
Never say you’re alone while I’m alive.

So, uh, I probably have a lot to be thankful for, but to be honest… I really don’t care. I don’t get the fact that we have to have a national holiday set aside to be “thankful”. Shouldn’t we ALWAYS be thankful? Honestly again, none of us (in general) actually stop every day and thank |insert random deity here| for everything good in their lives. I don’t know anyone who does that. Maybe that’s why we have to make it a national holiday? Pretty sad. So…

I guess I could write a list of what I’m thankful for. I’m glad I have a family to share the holidays with, even if they drive me crazy. I’m thankful that I have good friends to come save me from my family. I have enough – food clothes and shelter. I even have a lot of “nice” things. I have a good/decent job. So many people don’t have what I have and I feel sorry for them. For some, its for reasons beyond their control. For others its simply because they don’t work for it. Nothing in life comes free. Everything has its price. So, now, I ask you. What are YOU willing to pay?

I love you and I miss you so much.

God, how I wish you were here.

its an incredibly sad song when you sit and listen to it. makes you think of all the things that never were, could have been but werent... depressing. but its a really sweet song when you think about it. *sniff* and i remember crying to this song more than once, for several different reasons and memories that i wont share.

Lyrics are as follows:

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'
Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.

"Back to Black":
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....
I go back to us
I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

And then there's "Tears Dry On Their Own":

All I'll can ever be to you
Is a darkness that we knw,
And this regret I got accustomed to.
Once it was so right
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night.
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached.
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
I don't understand,
Why do I stress a man,
When there's so many bigger things at hand,
We could've never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is an inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you
A perspective pushes true,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon.
I couldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
So we are history,
Your shadow covers me,
The sky above
A blaze
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets.
So we are history,
Your shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In my blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I am grown
And in your way,
My deep shade,
My tears dry on their own.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
My deep shade,
My tears dry...

and now i'll explain. today i went over to the cave (my grandma's... if youve never heard me talk about going to the cave or visiting with the bat, then maybe you dont know me as well as you think you do.) we started talking. the bat is one of the few people in my life that i cant pretend with. and leaving things out - forbid actually flat-out lying to her - is not something that happens often. she picks up on things better than most people, so its hard to hide stuff from her, even for just a short while. bottom line: nobody hides anything or lies to grandma, ever...

back to where i was going with this. my grandma and i were talking about various family members and their assorted issues and afflictions etc. so then i started feeling sorry for myself and blurted out 'at least they arent dying a slow painful death.' she stared at me. then she said 'and neither are you...' but didnt sound to sure of herself when she said it. and i finally broke down and told her that im really sick. damaged, almost broken, possibly beyond repair. and she cried. we both cried, though i did my best to hide it. i told her about the doctor making me stay quarantined for a week and the labs and tests and abdominal x-rays and being exhausted and sick all the time. the explanation for the weight loss (53.5 lbs now... starting june 19). things id been hiding (very poorly) from her. like i said, she doesnt miss much.

so we're sitting there talking about whats wrong and what can be done and i explained the waiting game - labs and tests again monday november 12 and then ill find out final results on the 19th. and still, she sits there bawling her eyes out, and then i felt bad for telling her, because i hate her worrying about me more than she already does. nobody likes to see their grandmother cry. probably hitler didnt make his grandma cry either... though im not nearly as bad of a person as hitler was.

she cries and cries and cries. its breaking my heart. and i tell her that technically we shouldnt really worry so much about whats wrong until the second set of labs come back. and that its my cross to bear, and she says 'well, it may be your cross, but ill be carrying it right along beside you.' THAT made me cry even harder. so then i find myself turning her own long-ago spoken words back on her. i reminded her that she had all these little inspirational notes stuck in her 'private' places in the house... namely the one on her desk "let go, and let god'. imagine me, turning christianity back on my grandmother, who had raised me in a 'good christian home' from the day i was born. it was really hard for me to say that to her 'if you believe that god will carry your burdens for you then youre going to have to let him carry this one too. i'm not that worried. if i die, i know where i'm going when my soul departs this earth. it doesnt matter what happens in life after death, i wont be here to care anymore.' its really hard to tell your grandmother that you're ready to die. and mean it.

so mote it be.

I love you, and I'm glad I have you. I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you.

Thanks for everything!

so my dad dies in a plane crash, anyone reading this would know that already. i miss my dad greatly and no matter what i do or wish or beg, nothing will bring him back. nothing. ever. finii. this was even moreso evident last week when i really needed him. nobody can take the place of your parents, those that do are but mere substitutes for the real thing. nobody can, nor would i allow them to, replace or be a substitute for my dad.

i got very.... uh... incredibly sick last week, nine days ago, actually. i had a flu shot. and yes, i know, they do not inject you with active flu. i reacted anyway. within a couple of hours, i couldnt keep anything down - liquid or solid. that continued through the weekend. monday afternoon, i went to the doctor. she gave me the option of being forced into a hospital admission - involuntarily, or i could stay at home under house arrest and have no human physical contact until they knew what was wrong with me. she gave me a couple of possibilities, and neither of them were very good... .

so... they did bloodwork and 'other' labs and xrays of my abdomen on tuesday. and on my way home, it really hit. i started thinking 'i should call dad.' then i realized that it was a failed conscious memory... i cant call my dad. i dont have one anymore. and then i went ballistic. 'what am i going to do? who's going to fix this? i dont even have anyone i can talk to who would understand...' and reality really set in. i spent most of the week feeling sorry for myself, and sad, and scared, and upset. and lost and alone and lonely.and then, it still didnt make me feel any better.

then i went back friday for the follow up visit to find out the test results. they werent good. something bad is wrong. it was one of the not-so-great possibilities that she had told me about on monday.i go back in two weeks for fresh labwork and another visit to see if maybe these test results were bogus or off in some way. until then, im not going to say anything else about it. not even what it is, until i know for sure. we'll let it suffice to say that this 'diagnosis' explains a lot of things... being constantly exhausted, feeling like shit all the time, rapdi-significant-major weight loss (ive lost 53lbs since june 19), difficulty sleeping, headaches, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, loss of appetite. it all makes sense now. at least to me... and my mom. (im so glad i at least have my mom to talk to. she may not know anything about medical stuff, but shes good at research. - thanks mom!)